Contentment? What's that?

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern form me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:10-13 NIV

This morning I got up early and I was still feeling the effects of yesterday's heat exhaustion (don't work in the yard during mid-day when the sun is blazing). So I called in to work and said that I wasn't going to come in. The idea of driving to work with a mind splitting headache was just not a happy thought. The house was quiet early in the morning so I went to the kitchen grabbed a cool wet cloth, a tall glass of ice water and an Excedrin and plopped myself down on the couch with my iPod. While checking email and looking at Facebook I had an urge to check my bible verses app and see what brilliant quote it would bring me today. The past couple of days it hasn't brought me anything inspiring or relevant to what I have been going through lately but this morning, it was like a slap in the face (in a good way, if there is such a thing). This morning it brought me Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Most days I will get my quote and find it in the bible so I can read what comes before it and what comes after it. It's extremely important to understand not just the quote but also what precedes and follows it. What precedes that quote is powerful! Being content no matter what.

It is no secret that I am not content. I was doing some self examination after reading this quote. Why am I not content. Well there is the obvious my husband being jobless, having virtually 0 dollars in our account, creditor calls everyday. But I think I could handle all of that. I think I could be content if I didn't... have kids. It hurts me to see my kids going without things. They have food and a roof over their heads but apart from Church we don't really go anywhere. They don't get to get out and see the world. We have the occasional hike or trip to the park but that's about it (cause gas costs money too you know). When my friends are talking about swim lessons and mutton busting my heart hurts for my children knowing that they can't have that. I realize that stuff is material. I realize that stuff is not important in the grand scheme of things but I feel as if my children are deprived on some level because I can't afford any of that, no summer programs, no T-ball, no soccer, nothing. I mean we don't even have grass in the backyard for them to play on. To me it's sad, it makes me feel like a bad parent and leaves me with a feeling of discontent. But I sit here and imagine what it would be like to just feel satisfied all the time no matter what life throws at you. What a dream that would be! To just be okay all the time, not worrying about anything because you know that at some point anything you need or have ever needed will be met.

I remember the days of plenty. I remember not having to struggle and that makes this period in my life even harder. I remember being able to take trips and not just to the zoo but back home to Hawaii, Las Vegas and Oregon. I remember vacations and eating out and even just the basic of paying my mortgage on time. And it's hard to put all of that out of my mind and just live in the moment and be satisfied with what today holds and not think about what tomorrow will bring.

The flesh worries, the flesh stresses out but when you live in the spirit the worries of the flesh disappear. I want to live in the spirit. I want to be like Paul and feel satisfied no matter what life brings to me. Most days I can. Some days are easier than others to be satisfied and content, but recently I have been growing more and more frustrated with my husband. And it's been harder and harder to feel content and satisfied. I have been feeling very angry and resentful and I know I shouldn't but I do. I don't talk about it with him and that's mostly the reason why I haven't blogged in so long cause if you can't say anything nice... But I'm trying to deal with it. I'm clinging so hard to my faith that God will deliver me and I keep telling myself that it will be soon. Realistically I know that everything happens in God's time and not mine but lately I've been feeling that God is trying to do something good NOW but Jeff is holding it back. I'm probably projecting, but that's how I feel.

Pray for me!