New Year, New Life

I know, I know. It's been a LONG time since I last posted. There has been much going on in the past few months. So much that it left my head swirling. My oldest started her first year of REAL school, my husband and I repaired our relationship a point where we are better now than we have ever been. I have watched God move in my life and use my circumstances to move in the lives of others. I have watched relationships grow and strengthen, while at the same time my pride, stubbornness and pigheadedness fell apart.

This last year has been interesting to say the least. There are been more downs than there have been ups. With job loss for both of us, a tanked credit score, a notice that our house was about to go into the foreclosure process, and a rocky marriage (to put in mildly), this has been a year of unending challenges. But it has also been a year where I watched God move. Where He changed me and my outlook. Where he broke down my pride and showed me that I HAVE to depend on Him. Where He used people to mister to my spiritual and physical needs. Where we never went without. Where we still have our home. So has this been a good year? Yes. Has it been an easy year? No, not by a long shot.

But now that we have ushered in a whole new year. 2010, I know that I have climbed this mountain, this season is coming to a close. What a relief that is for me. I am excited and nervous about this new season that 2010 is ushering in. My husband finally got a job. The job he had been wanting since he got out of the Army. He was finally hired on as a defense contractor. He has been doing training (and a lot of waiting) in Georgia the past three weeks and headed out to Kuwait this morning. This job will provide us with a lot of financial stability. Heck more financial stability that we could have asked for. You know how in Job, God gave Job back everything he lost 2 fold, well thats what this job is pretty much going to do for us financially. It will be like 3 years of Army salary all rolled into one. So it has me excited that we will get to do so many things that we haven't been able to do like travel to see family, enroll the girls in a sport or other extra curricular activity, pay all of our past due bills off, etc. But all this still comes with a price tag, Jeff has to leave for a year...

So my new season comes with it's own set of challenges, it's own mountain to climb. But I know that God has really good things in store for us this year. He used my situation to make me a better person, to make me see that EVERYTHING in this life comes from Him. To ask (as he commands). Because if you don't ask, how can you receive.

One of my favorite sayings goes like this:

A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.

God showed me that I'm strong like a double shot of espresso, but only that strong when I put my faith in Him.



Now I must warn you that I'm probably going to be rearranging the blog a bit. With this new year and new season, I think my blog needs a face lift. What I come up with should be interesting. ;)

Just Breathe...

Well it's been quite an interesting last few weeks...

• I lost my job
  
• Jeff got approved for a job, but can't get hired right now because they are on a hiring freeze.
  
• Kylie starts Kindergarten (real school) on Monday and will be riding the bus home...2 guesses on the part I'm most nervous about.
  
• I feel like I haven't had a minute to myself in 5 years and I am in desperate desperate need of a vacation.
  
• I've been calling around to different assistance groups and we don't qualify either because A. Jeff and I have no current job and therefore can't produce a workable budget for next month, B. Jeff is no longer active duty military, or C. Jeff is not "wounded enough" to qualify for assistance.
  

So what does this woman do when pushed up against a wall and feels like she can't breathe? Chop all her hair off!!



Oh yeah and did I mention that my camera is not working right. Go figure!

Do you like it? I do. What I didn't like was getting made fun of when I got home. Not like I haven't been having a crappy enough time the past couple of weeks but I had to come home and hear Jeff start in on me about "Dude" this and "I'm married to a man" that. What a way to pop someone's bubble not to mention hurting their feelings. Plus to top it off, he takes a subject and rolls with it until someone is on the verge of tears and then doesn't feel bad about it because it was "just a joke" and "not his fault if you take it the wrong way".

But I digress...

Just please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers these next few weeks. I'm a little tired of my situation and a LOT frustrated. I need deliverance NOW or I might just leave (by myself) and hop the next flight to Hawaii and camp out on the beach for the rest of my life.

After writing this post, I went to my living room to vacuum up the cereal crumbs from this morning and wouldn't you know it, my vacuum stopped working. Chock it up to another perfect day!

Confessions: Why I Don't Like Mother's Day

Mother's Day is always a day where I try to keep my expectations low. After all, I try to tell myself, it's just another day. Another day in this mad and crazy house. I tell myself that if things don't go the way I want to, that's okay. I tell myself that I don't need to be celebrated...again it's just another day. It's just another day, an ordinary day. Nothing special about this day. I build myself up to think that way every year. And every year...When I wake up on Mother's Day...I'm still upset and disappointed.

People say that if you keep your expectations low, you'll never be disappointed. I think for me, I try to keep my expectations low but there is something at the back of my mind tugging at my heart saying, "what if..." What if this year it will be different. What if this year I will have my ideal Mother's Day. It is that very thought that raises up my expectations and then brings my world crashing down upon me every single Mother's Day.

This morning I wake up to a filthy kitchen and a filthy living room. I have been so busy the past couple of weeks. I have been working extra hours, shuffling the kids back and forth, drafting patterns, preparing and opening my girls boutique, stocking us back up on groceries and trying to do enough around the house so that we don't get too far behind on things. But no matter how much I do around here, I never seem to get caught up. While I'm running around trying to be super mom on 4 hours of sleep, my husband sits on his computer and plays games or looks for jobs. Sometimes he'll clean the living room. Sometimes he'll do a half load of dishes and sometimes, he'll actually pay attention to the kids like he's supposed to. Most of the time, I'm hurrying to do a load of dishes while I'm trying to cook dinner or yelling at the kids to pick up the living room when it's not all their mess or walking into the house after a day at work and then errands to find that Kaitlynn has marked her entire body with Kylie's pens and is drinking of of a cup that only God knows where she found.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted and I desperately need a break. More than that, I need a clean house. My mind is so unfocused because I'm thinking of all the 50 million things that need to get done around here on top of what I have to do for work (I still need to write this month's newsletter article). I just deep cleaned the kitchen 2 weeks ago and now it's trashed again. I go to work and come home and the dishes are piled to the faucet (one of my biggest pet peeves) and I know that it didn't look like that before I left...

So I guess this rant is really about two things:not feeling very appreciated and a husband who is being awfully self centered right now.

So now I'm off to do a load of dishes, make the girls breakfast, get them ready for church and head out the door. And when I come home, I know that the house will look exactly the way I left it. And when I come home, I know that I'm not going to want to be here. And when I come home, I know that I'll probably have to start making my own Mother's Day dinner or we will be eating at 10 o'clock tonight.

Marriage on my Mind...

So I'm sure you've noticed that I've had my marriage on my mind a lot lately. I guess it's mostly because we are getting back into the military. We just started doing well again. We just started learning how to live with each other again and now that dynamic may change and it terrifies me.

When you are in the service, any service, you have to be ready to move when the time comes but we have roots here in Colorado. We have a house, I have good friends, Kylie is in school. So Jeff and I have been talking about the prospect of him becoming a Geo-Bachelor. In the military that is when a married soldier moves to a new area without his family. I know people who have done that. It's hard. Not as hard as a deployment because they aren't in a combat situation but it's still hard. The kids still have to go without their father, and when he does come back, we'll have to start the process of learning to live with each other all over again.

It took over a year for us to finally readjust to each other. Yes, I know we are committed to making it work but if our marriage goes down the path it did last summer, I don't think I have the strength in me to "fight the good fight".

I know that this is a situation that I need to trust God with. I do trust Him, but my flesh is still afraid of the unknown. My flesh wants to resist the change and the possibility that we'll have to live without him again. My flesh doesn't believe that it has the strength to keep going when it comes to another long distance marriage. My flesh knows it's hard and doesn't want to put up with the struggle. But I remind myself of what an awesome God I serve. I remind myself that God will keep me strong and pull me through the hard times. I remind myself that with God, nothing is impossible. I remind myself that God has a true and perfect will for my life and that I need to submit to Him and not to my flesh.

It's easy to think all those things, but to really believe them in your mind and heart are something totally different. I encourage myself everyday. I try to surround myself with Godly people. That's why I like to go to prayer group on Wednesday nights. To be around others that are joyful in the Lord is a great encouragement to me. That is why I love Circle Drive Baptist and that's why I have a drive and desire to participate and volunteer there. Circle Drive Baptist helps to keep me God-centered. Most days for me are good days and when the bad days come, I try to remember the God that I serve.

I guess, I'm saying that I'm going to trust God when it comes to my marriage. I am so tired some days of putting on the brave face. But it's hard for me to sleep at night. I have such weird dreams that even in my waking hours I would say that it doesn't bother me and I trust in God, my insecurities manifest in my dreams. So I'm trying to resist my fleshly urges and remind myself that God is in control.

Now being a control freak, that's a hard concept for me. But there is something freeing about putting my situation in the hands of my almighty God.

Jeff and I had some really hard times, and I don't think that God would have repaired my marriage just to see it fail somewhere down the road. There are times when God tries to separate you from things that aren't good for you. And there are times when God tries to push you toward something that He knows is the best for you, but your flesh is resisting.

I will continue to trust God with my marriage. If Jeff has to become a Geo-Bachelor because he needs to PCS and we can't sell the house, I'll leave my marriage and all the complications of single parenthood to Him.

I guess after struggling with our relationship for so long, I just don't want to let Jeff go off somewhere without me. I don't want what we have found to die. But that's my fleshly worries again...

I'm rambling. Have you noticed that in a lot of my posts lately? I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Marriage, Oy Vay!

So that was us, 8 1/2 years ago. We got married at the Justice of the Peace in Honolulu, Hawaii on September 25th, 2000. I was 20, Jeff was 21. Boy were we young and naive. And look at how cute I was! I didn't have a clue what I was in for.

Since then we have had so many ups and downs. In civilian time we have been married for 8 1/2 years. In military time, 5 1/2 years. Each deployment has brought it's own share of trials. And even with everything we have been through, I still love the stinker. Every ounce of me wants to make my marriage work. And right now, for the most part it is. But it was really touch and go there for a while. I was at the point where I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. I even questioned whether or not I still loved him. At one point last Fall, I told Jeff that I wanted a divorce, and every ounce of me said that I was completely done. When the words, "I want a divorce" exited my mouth, it felt like this huge burden had been lifted from me. I didn't know how I was going to support myself and my children but I just knew I could do it. I think at that point, Jeff knew that this time, I was serious. And it was at that moment, that I saw my husband start to change.

Nothing changed overnight. It was the little things. Helping me more around the house. Less complaining about household chores. Curbing his spending habits. More attentive. Making an effort to turn off his game at night to come and spend time with me after the girls went to sleep. Little things that had been lacking in our relationship, were starting to be built back in. He came to me and told me that he wanted to learn about me all over again. He wanted to "study" me. There was still a lot of work to be done in our marriage but I just knew that this was God doing a work in my husband. Whether he believes that or not, this was God's hand at work.

Our marriage is far from perfect now and we have fallen back into some old habits. But we really try to be more considerate of each other. We try not to be to serious about things. We try to support each other. Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. I was an idealistic 20 year old when I got married. I didn't realize how rough the road ahead of me was going to be. I didn't realize what marriage was going to be like. I didn't realize that marriage is like a garden. It needs constant care. You need to take time everyday to tend to it. You need to keep away the parasites. You need to make sure that it gets enough water and sunshine or like my cilantro, it will die. It won't die suddenly but it will slowly wilt until all you have left is a brown shriveled thing. But like a garden, if you do take that time to make sure that it is healthy and bears fruit, you will reap a wonderful harvest.

Okay now I sound all convoluted. But you get what I mean. Marriage takes time, it takes love and it takes constant work. But if you are willing to put forth the effort especially in the rough times, it makes it all worth it in the end. I think that's what I learned throughout all of this. I learned to push through, even during the famine and the drought. I think that's why the movie Fireproof, spoke to me so much. And it's probably why my marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. We are still trying to make it work, but I have to say that I am more satisfied and happy in my relationship now than I have been in a long time.

Fireproof

Have you seen this movie? If you haven't, you should.

When I first started watching "Fireproof", I tried really hard to see past the "hard to buy" acting. But as I kept watching this movie and became entwined in the story, the original criticism I had about the acting just sort of faded away.

Fireproof is a powerful story. In an age where marriages don't last forever. In an age where divorce is an easy out, Fireproof is a story about putting everything you have into trying to make your marriage work. Trying to turn your relationship around for the better. Because during a fire, during the most trying times, "you never leave your partner behind".

Now I'm not against divorce. Sometimes you just can't fix something no matter how hard you try. Especially if only one person is committed to trying to fix something. I myself, have contemplated divorce. Things were touch and go there for a while but my husband has been trying to change, to be a better man. That and my faith in God is what has held my marriage together.

Beyond the deep Christian, God devotion aspect to the story, there is something that I think no matter if you are Christian or not is something that before we call it quits we should all take a look at. And that is "The Love Dare". The Love Dare is something that I think should be handed out to every married soldier who redeploys to the states (and their spouses). It's a 40 day challenge. A challenge that will change the way you treat your spouse. A challenge that if done with a committed heart, will change your relationship for the better.

There was one thing in The Love Dare that really spoke to me. I can't remember what day it was, 21 or something like that. But it talked about how when a man is trying to woo his wife, will study her and learn everything about her. But after they marry, and he has won his wife, he stops studying her. He stops learning about her but 7 years from the day that he marries her, she will most likely be a completely different person from the day they were married. But he has stopped studying her and because shes different and hes different, they grow apart. That concept just spoke to me. Jeff and I had that same conversation a couple months ago. He felt like he didn't know me anymore. He didn't know what I was interested in. He had no clue what to buy me for Christmas because he didn't know what I liked, what size I was, etc etc. He stopped studying me, where as I never stopped studying him.

Pardon my long-windedness but this movie just spoke to my heart. The marriage that they depicted was just so close to my own that it was scary. Jeff was a soldier and not a firefighter but pretty much the same concept. He wouldn't leave a fellow soldier behind, but when things were at their worst, he was willing to leave me behind. Thank God that is changing now. We didn't do The Love Dare but it is something I would love to challenge myself to do. If I get a hold of the book and start The Love Dare, I will update you on my progress.

I Like My Hole

I have built a hole for myself. Sitting in my bedroom surrounded by clutter and copious amounts of yarn, I have made my nest. Sitting in front of the computer pounding keys or sitting on the bed zoning out to my latest DVR recording while crocheting hats, I seclude myself. I like it, on the other hand I don't. I know that I am hiding. Hiding from my family, hiding from financial issues, hiding from health issues that I need to ignore until we get insurance again.

I boldly stated that 2009 was going to be my year. Well it doesn't feel like it yet. Sometimes I feel like we are never going to get out of this hole. Sometimes I feel like I just want to run away and not come back...ever. There are days I regret moving to Colorado and having a family. And everyday I'm just plain old tired.

Jeff doesn't understand and he really doesn't help my situation right now. He yelled at me yesterday about "messing up the kitchen again". I'm so sorry that if you want to eat, I need to use some dishes. He says that every time he cleans it, I mess it up in 15 minutes. Well every time I clean his pee bottles out of the living room, he manages to put some right back.

I am trying. I am really trying to be better. I just can't be better right now. Not by myself. It's hard to recognize that you need help but being stifled by not being able to get help.

Right now, I feel that life would be easier if Jeff just got back into the military. It would be a steady job. A steady paycheck. Free Health care. Access to on post services. The Army truly is a world in itself. Its funny. I always thought that the Army was a sad way of life, that they didn't pay our guys enough. I never appreciated it until we got out. I still don't think they pay the soldiers enough for what they do, but a soldiers paycheck is better than most paychecks you will find in the civilian sector. We struggled while we were in the military, but not as much as we have struggled since he got out. It was a bad time for him to get out of the military. The economy was in the toilet, jobs were few and far between. It was just hard and still is for many people. There was a company here in the springs that laid off over 150 workers right before Christmas.

I think if you can stomach the deployments, the military is the right choice for you. Preferably the Airforce. They don't deploy as often or for as long as the Army and Marines do. I hate deployments, I hate what it does to my family but, would it be better to deploy and know that you have a steady job in such an uncertain economical climate or better to be home with your family and struggle? I don't know. I can't answer that. Right now I'm thinking the former is better but tomorrow I may think the latter is better.

Deployments do change a family in so many ways. People are different after a whole year. People grow and change and its jarring to come back and have things different. Its easier if you are there for the process of growing versus to come back and see the result of it. Soldiers definitely come back different. War changes people in different ways but the things you see and experience, change you forever no matter what some people like to think.

Being an Army family or post Army family in this country today is hard. Its hard to deal with everything that happens during deployments and after. But with this economic climate and the limited jobs out there, is it better just to tough it out until the economy swings back into the black...whenever that may be? For now, I'm going to say yes. Financially things were better when Jeff was still in the military. We struggled but we didn't struggle as much. We were finally comfortable between my job and his and now its hard to make ends meet some weeks.

Lots of verbal diarrhea, I apologize. Its been a rough couple of days and I think its more cathartic for me just to get this all out into the open where I can write and reflect on it than sit and stew. Probably better for my blood pressure.

Do I feel better? No not really. But at least I got it out of my system.

What is Happiness?

Okay so I have been in a funk for a while. Well...a long time. Yesterday because I didn't go to church (stupid slushy, sticky, snowy roads and stupid stupid drivers that want to give me a heart attack), I spent the whole day holed up in my room watching TV and crocheting. I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything. That's just not normal.

Jeff knows that I am in a funk and comes into the room. Gives me a hug and asks me whats wrong. Part of what was wrong is that I am so discouraged with the house. I clean and he messes it up (there are bottles of you know what under the coffee table...again!!!). I fold and put away the girls clothes and they take it ALL out of the closet and throw it on the floor. I clean the playroom and they trash it. Its a never ending cycle. Both girls spend a lot of time in time out for telling us "NO" when they are asked to clean up. Later, Jeff got testy with me. He asked me if I was actually going to cook that night because he had washed some dishes. Lets get something straight, if you tell me that your job is going to be doing the dishes and I go into the kitchen to make dinner and dishes are piled in the sink all the way up to the faucet, you're getting microwaved chicken nuggets buddy. So yes, part of the reason I am in such a funk is the house. Part of it is because no matter how much work I put into it, its never enough. Part of it is also because I feel ignored...by everyone in this house.

I ask Kylie to stop doing something and she looks at me, right after I'm done telling her and she does it anyways. I try to talk to Jeff and it takes 3 or 4 tries of saying the same things before he hears me. I tell Kaitlynn to come over here so I can change her butt and she yells "NO" and runs the opposite way.

So I'm in a funk and I like to sit in my room all day by myself.

But its more than a funk and I know that. I know that this is not just something that is caused by my family and my circumstances. This is bigger than that. This is something that needs medication. I am grouchy and irritable. I want to sleep all the time. I wake up even more tired than when I went to sleep. I am easily angered. I just want to shut the world out and run away. This is not normal. Maybe normal for someone that experiences this on an occasional basis, but this is my everyday.

Unfortunately, we have no medical coverage right now and Jeff makes $5.00 more per week than poverty level status so we do not qualify for assistance. Its sad but its something that I am just going to have to live with until he finds a permanent job. Hes up for a permanent position with Colorado Springs Utilities. The interview process starts in about 10 days. Last we heard, he was the only applicant for the job and he works with the guys who are in charge of hiring for CSU, so I am praying and we are crossing our fingers right now.

Vent...

I usually love Mondays. Its the one day a week that I don't have to get up early. It's the one day a week where I am not plagued with the thought of Jeff sitting out in the living room like a lump, playing his game. Its the one day a week where I don't have to drive back and forth all over town.

I love Mondays...usually.

Today was different. It started off with Jeff not getting up for his alarm. He was an hour late for work and just announced that he was not going to work today. Not going to work? But today is Monday, its my day! Then I stepped back and thought about why I was so upset. Most women, would love for their husbands to take a day off of work. But most women are not me. I just sat in bed and thought about my plans for the day. I was going to clean. I know, so exciting right? Well the reason I don't like to clean is that I HATE, to clean around Jeff. That's right, around him. He will sit there on his laptop and pay absolutely no attention to me or offer help, or help when I ask him to because hes playing his game. That's so much more important to him. He says that he could care less about his game or the people he chats with everyday online, but to me, his actions reflect differently. When he's on his laptop, he ignores his children and he ignores me. He pays no attention to them or anything around him.

Dads are supposed to play with their kids, want to be involved, take them places, spend time with them. Jeff has only taken both of his girls somewhere ONCE. That was my birthday, June 8th. He took them to the store to buy cake mix to make me a birthday cake (while I took a nap). That's it. It was not a fun outing. It was an errand. When I plan fun family outings, he complains the whole time. He gives me a hard time about it and then ruins it for everyone with his sullen attitude. Except on Halloween, but that's because he was hoping to get some personal favors from me when we got home, and because I was exhausted by the time I got home and didn't perform, he didn't speak to me for 3 days.

He says that we have no money to do anything fun with the girls. But all of the outings I plan are free. He could always take them to the park, so I can get some kid free time (I'm with one or both of them EVERYDAY ALL THE TIME, heck, Kaitlynn comes to work with me so that isn't even kid free). We have a brand new park walking distance from our house. But he doesn't like to be around people, so going anywhere is out of the question.

He even got pissed off when he took Kylie to the store to shop for my Christmas present. All because he didn't know what I liked or what I was into (he even said this about Kylie). To me that statement says that he just flat out doesn't pay attention and doesn't care.

I get a movie for us to watch together and he watches it without me.

And the worst part is that I let all of this ruin my day. Its hard when hes yelling at me this morning, because he can't find the car keys (when they were hanging up on the rack). Or telling me that I'm harassing him because he didn't want to go to work. I didn't say anything to him. He told me to go back to sleep this morning but when the girls are both awake and I've been listening to his alarm since 5am, its kinda hard to go back to sleep. By me getting up this morning after I was "told" to go back to sleep, was like a slap in the face for him I guess. He "tells" me something and I'm supposed to jump. I ask him something and it takes hours to days to months to get a response from him.

He constantly breaks promises. He told me that I could sleep in on Saturday. I NEVER get to sleep in (I get the occasional 1 hour nap here or there but never sleep in, not even on my birthday). I let him sleep in because I'm being considerate. He has a hard time falling asleep (he has insomnia) so when he finally does go to sleep, I try to let him do just that. But I didn't get to sleep in on Saturday. Had I tried to wake him up, he would have been upset so I just got up, made everyone breakfast like I normally do and just let him sleep. He said he would clean the kitchen for me this weekend, that didn't happen. He didn't even clean his pee bottles out of the living room. Yes, pee bottles. My husband is a 5 year old and is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom and will pee in empty bottles and shove them under the couch (another reason why I don't like to clean). I asked him about it last night. I told him that he was the "King of Broken Promises". Which he really is. I mean for Mother's Day, I got 2 kid free days (not hours days) to be redeemed whenever I wanted...see my vent above. It still hasn't happened. He said that he didn't do what he said (clean the kitchen) because he got no help. NO HELP?!?! No where in "Honey, I'm going to clean the kitchen this weekend." was "only if you help me".

I am so tired emotionally and physically. I feel unappreciated, unloved, disappointed, exhausted, overwhelmed and the list could go on and on. I want to get the house cleaned and I mean deep cleaned for Christmas. But that's only going to happen if I do it.

Jeff will get on me about being so tired all the time. He says most days there is no excuse for being so tired because I "didn't do anything." Nope, I don't do anything...I do EVERYTHING. I work, do dishes, wipe hineys, do laundry, chauffeur, make meals, bathe children, grocery shop, plan activities, make his lunch, etc, etc, etc. But I have no excuse to be so tired because I don't do anything.

I just don't know what more I can do or how much longer I can last like this. He says he wants to change and I may see it a little here and there but the big picture never changes. Hes still emotionally unavailable to everyone in this house. He contradicts me at every turn (no wonder my kids don't listen to me). And I'm just really tired of it. To me it doesn't feel like Christmas around here. To me Christmas is love and family and activities. I don't feel like that's going on around here. My home doesn't feel very warm, right now it feels very very cold.

It's Just Crap-Tastic

So, it's 723am and I have already had a crappy morning. No not because of my children...

This morning I set my alarm to 530am. Not because I needed to wake up that early but because I wanted to make sure that Jeff got to work on time today. The last 2 weeks I have found that if I don't set my alarm to get up early, Jeff will not get up. Lately, it has been my responsibility (it feels like) to make sure that he gets up for work. Why? He's 29 years old, he should be able to get himself up for work right? Nope. Even while he was in the military I would still have to get up early to make sure that he would get up for work.

He's supposed to be at work by 7am. So he needs to leave the house by 630am to make it to work on time. Preferably he should leave at 615am because of morning traffic but that rarely happens. So, I get up not at 530am but at 5am because he set his alarm to go off at 5am. And every time the alarm goes off, I shake him. He grunts, hits snooze and goes back to sleep. The alarm goes off every 15 minutes. Finally after an hour and a half of the stupid alarm going off (I'm not kidding, I rolled out of bed at 630am), I get up. Everytime I shake him to wake him up he tells me, "Don't worry about it." or "It's not a big deal". So, trying to calm myself down I walk out to the living room to check my email, which of course would not load this morning. At 645am I walk back into the bedroom (he's supposed to be at work in 15 minutes) and I ask him, "So what time do you want to get up so I can make sure that I wake you up". At this point he starts to go off about how he doesn't want to get up because I'm going to be in a "grouchy ass" mood. I didn't even ask him the question in a snide way. I just point blank asked him what time he wanted to get up and that started us off on an agrument this morning. He went off on a tirade about how I'm a "bitch" and I'm always "tired". I told him that I didn't have to get up at 530am I just set my alarm to make sure that I could get him up. And it went on and on. Until I threw a loaf of bread at him and he slammed the door this morning before he left for work, finally, at 720am.

But this is the way things have been between us lately. When things are good they are just all right. When things are bad they are REALLY bad. I try to avoid arguments by just sitting in my bedroom when we are home together. I try not to talk to him about what is bothering me because he always turns it around on me and makes me feel ridiculous and stupid for feeling neglected, offended, hurt or upset. I try just to leave him alone. If I leave him alone, we don't fight and things stay relatively peaceful...sometimes. He will still get on me about not spending time with the kids. I ALWAYS spend time with the kids. I take Kaitlynn to work with me for crying out loud. Everywhere I go tote one or both of the kids with me. Just cause I don't want them up my rear when I'm at home and trying to get stuff done doesn't mean that I am not spending time with them. Or, he will get on me about not cleaning the house. Granted, I have absolutely no motivation to clean. But no one in this house seems to either. The minute I clean the wrecking crew follows behind me to destroy it. Who is that guy in greek mythology that rolls the boulder up the hill everyday just to do it again the next day. Thats the way I feel about cleaning. I accomplish it, but nothing really gets done.

I need a vacation. I need to get away and decompress for a while, by myself. I can't remember the last time I was truly able to get away to relax. I think the last time I got away for myself and just myself to pamper me was spa night last November. And even then I wasn't really able to relax because Jeff had just gotten home from Iraq and was calling me every 15 minutes asking me when I was coming home. Not because he missed me but because Kaitlynn and Kylie were driving him nuts. But I also don't want to get away because with the state that things have been in lately, I may never come back.

I get so tired of my life sometimes. I am not happy. I have not been happy for a long time and I don't know how to change it. My marriage is miserable and I take it out on the kids by ignoring them or yelling at them when they do the slightest thing wrong. I really want my marriage to work. I want to be able to fix it. We have two children and have been together for 8 years. I want it to work but sometimes we try to hold on to something that God is trying to seperate us from. (One of my favorite lines from "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"). But I pray and I don't know what Gods will is for me and this situation. Maybe I am so focused on what is going on around me that I can't hear what God is trying to tell me.

So why am I blogging about this? Well because other than God, I have no one to talk to and blogging can be very cathardic. I feel lost right now and very much alone. I know that God is always here, listening. But sometimes you just want someone else with you. A good friend that you can trust. Someone physical that you know will make you laugh or give you good advice when times are tough. I'm sorry to say that I don't really have that right now. I haven't had that for a while now, not since one of my friends moved to the DC area.

I just want to effect a positive change in my life but right now I just don't know how to do that. I am tired of feeling alone and lost. I am sick of not feeling loved. I am just tired and I want to go back to bed but, I have to make breakfast for my kids.

Clean Slate

Well, its been more than a year since I last posted to my blog. Its been a while, I know.

I have erased all the old posts and decided to start with a clean slate. Clean slates are good right?

Well many things have happened since I last posted. Jeff came home the day before Thanksgiving 2007. It has been a very bumpy road since. We are having marital problems mostly because we don't know how to be together anymore and also because I am convinced that he suffers from PTSD. He says he doesn't but the signs are there.

He got out of the military in June and has had a really hard time finding a job. With the economy the way it is, and all the competition for skilled workers in Colorado Springs, its not been an easy task. He did finally find something in late September but its only temporary and we don't know when he will find a permanent position.

The transition from military to civilian family has been hard. In many ways, I now see the many positives about being a military family. Its funny that when I was looking out from the inside of it all, I only saw all the crappy things about being a military spouse. There were the constant deployments, my stress level and my kids, doing it alone, etc etc... Now that I'm on the outside I realize that if you are strong enough to handle the deployments, the military isn't so bad. There is the free health care, the job security, and a decent paycheck (though I would not have admitted this before). We were comfortable with his military paycheck and my very part time paycheck. But now, we are struggling. I worry constantly about being able to get something that we need because we really don't have any cushion anymore. We used up all of our savings while he was job hunting and then had to borrow from family.

I know that we aren't the only family that is struggling. The economy sucks right now and evident every where you go.

I have been trying to keep my faith in what God has in store. I keep telling myself that He must have something great in store if all these struggles keep coming my way. I use the word "try" because some days I have more faith than others. Some days the crap level is to the ceiling and I just cant seem to dig myself out. Last week in church, Dr Mike talked about faith during times of hardship. He said that God uses you when times are hardest to show those around you who He really is. He used the example of two disciples who had been beaten nearly to death and thrown in prison and how all they did while they were in that prison was to minister to others in need and sing Gods praises. Wow! Its hard to have a joy filled, faith filled heart when things suck. Its hard to have love and forgive those who hurt you. Its hard to be a true Christian. But you know what they say, nothing worth having is easy.

I am trying so hard to be Proverbs 31. But at the same time, its so hard to be Proverbs 31. Keep praying for me through this journey. Lord knows I need it.