An Observation...

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her"
John 8:7b (NIV Translation)

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Matthew 7: 1-2 (NIV Translation)


I had a friend post something on Facebook the other day that got me thinking...

A lot of people, myself included tend to see fault in others but not ourselves. We nit pick at the things that people do or say and take unneeded offense to it. Then because we are so affronted by an action or a word, we judge that person probably too harshly than they deserve.

I'm fairly self-deprecating by nature and overly sensitive. I tend to read between the lines a lot when the implications aren't necessarily there. But I think that a lot of this offense and judgement could be overcome with just a little empathy. Sometimes a person is going through a situation, a season, a moment where they aren't really themselves. They have given themselves over to their emotional state and just need space. Sometimes that makes them make decisions that may not be the best for themselves or others but that doesn't mean that anyone has the right to judge them for it. I'm sure each one of us (as the first passage indicates) has had a time in our lives that we weren't the nicest, most pulled together person. For me this is a frequent occurrence when I'm just driving around the city.

My point is, people are just people. We all make mistakes. We are fallible. We are imperfection. Should we judge others because of something they did when in our heart of hearts, we know that it's probably we have done ourselves in the past or could do in the future?

I think one point the second passage is really trying to make on judgement is not just about how we will be judged by our Father. But how we will be judged by the people around us as well. If you judge someone for something and you turn around and do the same thing, what does that say about your character?

I'm not really one for New Years resolutions or New Years goals. I don't always stick to things like I should, I'm a rebel after all. Ha-ha. But I think that one goal I will have for myself this year is to try to really put myself in another persons shoes before I take offense, before I judge. To try to see the world from their perspective.

New Year, New Life

I know, I know. It's been a LONG time since I last posted. There has been much going on in the past few months. So much that it left my head swirling. My oldest started her first year of REAL school, my husband and I repaired our relationship a point where we are better now than we have ever been. I have watched God move in my life and use my circumstances to move in the lives of others. I have watched relationships grow and strengthen, while at the same time my pride, stubbornness and pigheadedness fell apart.

This last year has been interesting to say the least. There are been more downs than there have been ups. With job loss for both of us, a tanked credit score, a notice that our house was about to go into the foreclosure process, and a rocky marriage (to put in mildly), this has been a year of unending challenges. But it has also been a year where I watched God move. Where He changed me and my outlook. Where he broke down my pride and showed me that I HAVE to depend on Him. Where He used people to mister to my spiritual and physical needs. Where we never went without. Where we still have our home. So has this been a good year? Yes. Has it been an easy year? No, not by a long shot.

But now that we have ushered in a whole new year. 2010, I know that I have climbed this mountain, this season is coming to a close. What a relief that is for me. I am excited and nervous about this new season that 2010 is ushering in. My husband finally got a job. The job he had been wanting since he got out of the Army. He was finally hired on as a defense contractor. He has been doing training (and a lot of waiting) in Georgia the past three weeks and headed out to Kuwait this morning. This job will provide us with a lot of financial stability. Heck more financial stability that we could have asked for. You know how in Job, God gave Job back everything he lost 2 fold, well thats what this job is pretty much going to do for us financially. It will be like 3 years of Army salary all rolled into one. So it has me excited that we will get to do so many things that we haven't been able to do like travel to see family, enroll the girls in a sport or other extra curricular activity, pay all of our past due bills off, etc. But all this still comes with a price tag, Jeff has to leave for a year...

So my new season comes with it's own set of challenges, it's own mountain to climb. But I know that God has really good things in store for us this year. He used my situation to make me a better person, to make me see that EVERYTHING in this life comes from Him. To ask (as he commands). Because if you don't ask, how can you receive.

One of my favorite sayings goes like this:

A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.

God showed me that I'm strong like a double shot of espresso, but only that strong when I put my faith in Him.



Now I must warn you that I'm probably going to be rearranging the blog a bit. With this new year and new season, I think my blog needs a face lift. What I come up with should be interesting. ;)

Contentment? What's that?

"I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern form me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:10-13 NIV

This morning I got up early and I was still feeling the effects of yesterday's heat exhaustion (don't work in the yard during mid-day when the sun is blazing). So I called in to work and said that I wasn't going to come in. The idea of driving to work with a mind splitting headache was just not a happy thought. The house was quiet early in the morning so I went to the kitchen grabbed a cool wet cloth, a tall glass of ice water and an Excedrin and plopped myself down on the couch with my iPod. While checking email and looking at Facebook I had an urge to check my bible verses app and see what brilliant quote it would bring me today. The past couple of days it hasn't brought me anything inspiring or relevant to what I have been going through lately but this morning, it was like a slap in the face (in a good way, if there is such a thing). This morning it brought me Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Most days I will get my quote and find it in the bible so I can read what comes before it and what comes after it. It's extremely important to understand not just the quote but also what precedes and follows it. What precedes that quote is powerful! Being content no matter what.

It is no secret that I am not content. I was doing some self examination after reading this quote. Why am I not content. Well there is the obvious my husband being jobless, having virtually 0 dollars in our account, creditor calls everyday. But I think I could handle all of that. I think I could be content if I didn't... have kids. It hurts me to see my kids going without things. They have food and a roof over their heads but apart from Church we don't really go anywhere. They don't get to get out and see the world. We have the occasional hike or trip to the park but that's about it (cause gas costs money too you know). When my friends are talking about swim lessons and mutton busting my heart hurts for my children knowing that they can't have that. I realize that stuff is material. I realize that stuff is not important in the grand scheme of things but I feel as if my children are deprived on some level because I can't afford any of that, no summer programs, no T-ball, no soccer, nothing. I mean we don't even have grass in the backyard for them to play on. To me it's sad, it makes me feel like a bad parent and leaves me with a feeling of discontent. But I sit here and imagine what it would be like to just feel satisfied all the time no matter what life throws at you. What a dream that would be! To just be okay all the time, not worrying about anything because you know that at some point anything you need or have ever needed will be met.

I remember the days of plenty. I remember not having to struggle and that makes this period in my life even harder. I remember being able to take trips and not just to the zoo but back home to Hawaii, Las Vegas and Oregon. I remember vacations and eating out and even just the basic of paying my mortgage on time. And it's hard to put all of that out of my mind and just live in the moment and be satisfied with what today holds and not think about what tomorrow will bring.

The flesh worries, the flesh stresses out but when you live in the spirit the worries of the flesh disappear. I want to live in the spirit. I want to be like Paul and feel satisfied no matter what life brings to me. Most days I can. Some days are easier than others to be satisfied and content, but recently I have been growing more and more frustrated with my husband. And it's been harder and harder to feel content and satisfied. I have been feeling very angry and resentful and I know I shouldn't but I do. I don't talk about it with him and that's mostly the reason why I haven't blogged in so long cause if you can't say anything nice... But I'm trying to deal with it. I'm clinging so hard to my faith that God will deliver me and I keep telling myself that it will be soon. Realistically I know that everything happens in God's time and not mine but lately I've been feeling that God is trying to do something good NOW but Jeff is holding it back. I'm probably projecting, but that's how I feel.

Pray for me!

Got Hope?

It's been a while since I blogged about the Sunday church message. But something Pastor Mike Routt said made me think that I need to do it today. If not for any other reason than to share some of my testimony.

As you can probably guess by the title, today's message was about "hope" and more specifically the hope that we receive through salvation and a personal relationship with our savor Jesus Christ. I have hope. I have more faith in my God than my President. I have more faith in what my God can do for me than what Wall Street can do for my mutual fund. I have so much faith that I wait on my God to help me through the dark times. As the song says, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord". I have hope because I know who my God is. And that He is greater than my circumstances.

Let's put it this way, this month Jeff and I don't have enough money to pay our mortgage. They approved us for unemployment benefits through the military but not through Jeff's last job. This has caused something to go screwy in their system and our phone doesn't want to stay charged for the two hours it takes to get through to someone (no joke, you call them and they say that the wait time is 2 hours if you can even get through). Refiling unemployment, has gotten us nowhere. Now if I didn't have hope, I would be really freaking out about not being able to pay our mortgage. We even have creditors calling about bills that we just can't pay right now. Pre-Salvation Kristi would be freaking out. Freaking out about my credit score, freaking out about the mortgage payment, etc. But me, right now, in this place, I'm not freaking out. Most normal people would be right? Well I know that my God is bigger than my circumstances. I know that he is bigger than the amount in my bank account. I know that my God will take care of me. He has been so far. Hope breeds faith. If I didn't have hope I couldn't have the faith and the knowledge that I will be delivered from the mess we currently find ourselves in.

Now take Jeff on the other hand. My husband who says he is a non-believer. He doesn't have hope. He has a sour attitude about the whole thing. He's having a hard time finding a job and it's even a bigger blow to his ego to not be able to provide for his family. He stresses and struggles everyday and finds his solace in playing World of Warcraft which doesn't really help but allows him to take his mind off of his situation for a couple of hours. He doesn't have the hope, faith or peace about our situation as I do and believe me it's hard not to let his attitude rub off on me. But I truly have peace about it. I told Pastor Mike Farnham a couple of weeks ago, that it is very liberating to be able to give our problems to God and let Him worry about it for us. It took a long time for me to learn how to do that. And there are some days that are better than others. There are some days where the doubts creep in, I'm human it happens. But those days are fewer and fewer now.

In our situation, hope and faith are extremely important. I pray and I wait on the Lord. I know that He will deliver and take care of me and my family. That knowledge has led me through some very dark times. It has helped me through 2 deployments, dealing with post-partum depression, and unemployment. If I didn't have hope, I don't know where I would be.

Do you have hope?

If you are interested in reading the scripture passage that we talked about in church today, please look to Mark 5: 24-35 the story of the woman who bled for 12 years. It was through her hope and faith that she was healed.

Religion vs. Relationship.

So today I was talking to one of my friends and I was telling her about my church and she asked me but how can a church not be religious? How can you be a Christian and follow a religion without being religious. What exactly is the difference between religion and relationship.

This is the way I see it. Some may disagree. Religion bound means that you believe that everything has to be a certain way. That you judge not only others but yourself for not conforming to your ideals of faith. That you do not respect other beliefs and try to force your beliefs and opinions on others around you. You basically conform to your ideal of what a Christian, Muslim, Jew, whatever is. That you are bound by the rules that you or others have set up for you and not by your faith. That you look down on those that do not believe the same way that you do and feel that you need to get them to view things exactly the way you do. That you feel that those that do not believe the same as you do must be bad/evil/destructive. That you do not allow certain things/people/movies/literature/toys what have you into your home because they could be harmful to your faith and the way you see things.

I used to be religion bound. It was not a fun place to be. I used to be extremely judgmental. I used to think that toys or books were evil and needed to be banned from my house. I used to think that people who would allow such practices must be evil. I had a fear of those that were different because different was not good. So not a fun person to be around.

So what am I now? I have a relationship and not a religion. I have a relationship with God and my Lord Jesus. I am not bound by the way people think a Christian should be. I'm a Liberal Christian...I think that says it all. I'm left-wing baby, on most things.

But what does that mean? To me that means that I strive to be a good person. I strive to volunteer my time to help others. I give as much as I can. I listen with an open heart and try (try being key) not to judge others. I try to model love and not condemnation. I admit that I am fallible. I admit that I am not perfect and I'm not going to tell you how to live your life by my ideals. I no longer believe that things are going to corrupt me by their mere presence. I try to stay God-minded and not rule minded. I am a child of the most high God and as all children, you misbehave at times. You don't always follow the rules, but you try. You try to better yourself. I don't try to break the rules but rule breaking happens. I am human, I am flesh. Mistakes happen. I have certain beliefs that I strive to achieve on a daily basis. I do not ever want to make anyone feel condemned or that I think I am better than they are because of my beliefs. I want to model the love of God. I want to be more like Jesus. It's something I strive for. I do not want to limit my friends to just people that believe the way I do. Yes, it is good to surround yourself with Christians but at the same time, Jesus didn't just hang out with the believes. He was down with the tax collectors and prostitutes, giving them the gospel and showing them God's love and His love. Yes I do live my life based on the ideals I see in the Bible. But I don't see living by the Bible as being religion bound. I have my own opinions of what the bible tells me. But ultimately the most important thing is faith and trusting in God. Not being judgemental. Letting God take care of your battles. Loving others. Forgiving past wrongs. Giving to others. Letting God be the ultimate judge and protector and leaving it in His holy hands.

I think for a lot of people its the judgement aspect of being religion bound that gets them. That's the people that really and truly stick out in their mind. You did this therefore I think poorly of you. Or, you are this therefore I *know* that I am better than you. But the bible says that we should not judge others because the way we judge others is the way that God will judge us. Everyone is fallible. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. It was Jesus that said "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." No one wants to hang out with a person who is going to sit there and judge them for everything little thing they do. It is no my place nor anyone else to judge others. No one person is better than any other person.

Hypocrisy is another aspect that comes up when I talk to people. Jeff especially. This is what turned him away from Catholicism. I admit that I am fallible. People know that I am a Christian but I am definitely not going to tell you how to live your life. I will tell you how my faith has helped me but I will not sit there and preach to you about how you should live or why you should believe the way that I do. This is because I am not perfect. I have my issues. I have my hang-ups that I am trying to work through. If my house is messy I'm not going to sit there and tell you how you should clean yours up you know. I never want to give a perfect facade because life has its ups and downs. My life didn't suddenly become sunshine and roses once I became a Christian. I'm still me, but now I have a strong faith that guides me and helps me to pull through the tough times.

So when it comes to religion vs relationship, I know what I have and what it means to me. A relationship is much more freeing than religion. Religion deals with fear, condemnation and guilt. I never want to be in that place ever again.

A great quote from Ghandi says, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." For me, I don't want to be included in that statement. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to model his love and acceptance and unconditional faith to those around me. I try, I hope that I'm doing a pretty decent job of it.

Marriage on my Mind...

So I'm sure you've noticed that I've had my marriage on my mind a lot lately. I guess it's mostly because we are getting back into the military. We just started doing well again. We just started learning how to live with each other again and now that dynamic may change and it terrifies me.

When you are in the service, any service, you have to be ready to move when the time comes but we have roots here in Colorado. We have a house, I have good friends, Kylie is in school. So Jeff and I have been talking about the prospect of him becoming a Geo-Bachelor. In the military that is when a married soldier moves to a new area without his family. I know people who have done that. It's hard. Not as hard as a deployment because they aren't in a combat situation but it's still hard. The kids still have to go without their father, and when he does come back, we'll have to start the process of learning to live with each other all over again.

It took over a year for us to finally readjust to each other. Yes, I know we are committed to making it work but if our marriage goes down the path it did last summer, I don't think I have the strength in me to "fight the good fight".

I know that this is a situation that I need to trust God with. I do trust Him, but my flesh is still afraid of the unknown. My flesh wants to resist the change and the possibility that we'll have to live without him again. My flesh doesn't believe that it has the strength to keep going when it comes to another long distance marriage. My flesh knows it's hard and doesn't want to put up with the struggle. But I remind myself of what an awesome God I serve. I remind myself that God will keep me strong and pull me through the hard times. I remind myself that with God, nothing is impossible. I remind myself that God has a true and perfect will for my life and that I need to submit to Him and not to my flesh.

It's easy to think all those things, but to really believe them in your mind and heart are something totally different. I encourage myself everyday. I try to surround myself with Godly people. That's why I like to go to prayer group on Wednesday nights. To be around others that are joyful in the Lord is a great encouragement to me. That is why I love Circle Drive Baptist and that's why I have a drive and desire to participate and volunteer there. Circle Drive Baptist helps to keep me God-centered. Most days for me are good days and when the bad days come, I try to remember the God that I serve.

I guess, I'm saying that I'm going to trust God when it comes to my marriage. I am so tired some days of putting on the brave face. But it's hard for me to sleep at night. I have such weird dreams that even in my waking hours I would say that it doesn't bother me and I trust in God, my insecurities manifest in my dreams. So I'm trying to resist my fleshly urges and remind myself that God is in control.

Now being a control freak, that's a hard concept for me. But there is something freeing about putting my situation in the hands of my almighty God.

Jeff and I had some really hard times, and I don't think that God would have repaired my marriage just to see it fail somewhere down the road. There are times when God tries to separate you from things that aren't good for you. And there are times when God tries to push you toward something that He knows is the best for you, but your flesh is resisting.

I will continue to trust God with my marriage. If Jeff has to become a Geo-Bachelor because he needs to PCS and we can't sell the house, I'll leave my marriage and all the complications of single parenthood to Him.

I guess after struggling with our relationship for so long, I just don't want to let Jeff go off somewhere without me. I don't want what we have found to die. But that's my fleshly worries again...

I'm rambling. Have you noticed that in a lot of my posts lately? I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Marriage, Oy Vay!

So that was us, 8 1/2 years ago. We got married at the Justice of the Peace in Honolulu, Hawaii on September 25th, 2000. I was 20, Jeff was 21. Boy were we young and naive. And look at how cute I was! I didn't have a clue what I was in for.

Since then we have had so many ups and downs. In civilian time we have been married for 8 1/2 years. In military time, 5 1/2 years. Each deployment has brought it's own share of trials. And even with everything we have been through, I still love the stinker. Every ounce of me wants to make my marriage work. And right now, for the most part it is. But it was really touch and go there for a while. I was at the point where I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. I even questioned whether or not I still loved him. At one point last Fall, I told Jeff that I wanted a divorce, and every ounce of me said that I was completely done. When the words, "I want a divorce" exited my mouth, it felt like this huge burden had been lifted from me. I didn't know how I was going to support myself and my children but I just knew I could do it. I think at that point, Jeff knew that this time, I was serious. And it was at that moment, that I saw my husband start to change.

Nothing changed overnight. It was the little things. Helping me more around the house. Less complaining about household chores. Curbing his spending habits. More attentive. Making an effort to turn off his game at night to come and spend time with me after the girls went to sleep. Little things that had been lacking in our relationship, were starting to be built back in. He came to me and told me that he wanted to learn about me all over again. He wanted to "study" me. There was still a lot of work to be done in our marriage but I just knew that this was God doing a work in my husband. Whether he believes that or not, this was God's hand at work.

Our marriage is far from perfect now and we have fallen back into some old habits. But we really try to be more considerate of each other. We try not to be to serious about things. We try to support each other. Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. I was an idealistic 20 year old when I got married. I didn't realize how rough the road ahead of me was going to be. I didn't realize what marriage was going to be like. I didn't realize that marriage is like a garden. It needs constant care. You need to take time everyday to tend to it. You need to keep away the parasites. You need to make sure that it gets enough water and sunshine or like my cilantro, it will die. It won't die suddenly but it will slowly wilt until all you have left is a brown shriveled thing. But like a garden, if you do take that time to make sure that it is healthy and bears fruit, you will reap a wonderful harvest.

Okay now I sound all convoluted. But you get what I mean. Marriage takes time, it takes love and it takes constant work. But if you are willing to put forth the effort especially in the rough times, it makes it all worth it in the end. I think that's what I learned throughout all of this. I learned to push through, even during the famine and the drought. I think that's why the movie Fireproof, spoke to me so much. And it's probably why my marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. We are still trying to make it work, but I have to say that I am more satisfied and happy in my relationship now than I have been in a long time.

Fireproof

Have you seen this movie? If you haven't, you should.

When I first started watching "Fireproof", I tried really hard to see past the "hard to buy" acting. But as I kept watching this movie and became entwined in the story, the original criticism I had about the acting just sort of faded away.

Fireproof is a powerful story. In an age where marriages don't last forever. In an age where divorce is an easy out, Fireproof is a story about putting everything you have into trying to make your marriage work. Trying to turn your relationship around for the better. Because during a fire, during the most trying times, "you never leave your partner behind".

Now I'm not against divorce. Sometimes you just can't fix something no matter how hard you try. Especially if only one person is committed to trying to fix something. I myself, have contemplated divorce. Things were touch and go there for a while but my husband has been trying to change, to be a better man. That and my faith in God is what has held my marriage together.

Beyond the deep Christian, God devotion aspect to the story, there is something that I think no matter if you are Christian or not is something that before we call it quits we should all take a look at. And that is "The Love Dare". The Love Dare is something that I think should be handed out to every married soldier who redeploys to the states (and their spouses). It's a 40 day challenge. A challenge that will change the way you treat your spouse. A challenge that if done with a committed heart, will change your relationship for the better.

There was one thing in The Love Dare that really spoke to me. I can't remember what day it was, 21 or something like that. But it talked about how when a man is trying to woo his wife, will study her and learn everything about her. But after they marry, and he has won his wife, he stops studying her. He stops learning about her but 7 years from the day that he marries her, she will most likely be a completely different person from the day they were married. But he has stopped studying her and because shes different and hes different, they grow apart. That concept just spoke to me. Jeff and I had that same conversation a couple months ago. He felt like he didn't know me anymore. He didn't know what I was interested in. He had no clue what to buy me for Christmas because he didn't know what I liked, what size I was, etc etc. He stopped studying me, where as I never stopped studying him.

Pardon my long-windedness but this movie just spoke to my heart. The marriage that they depicted was just so close to my own that it was scary. Jeff was a soldier and not a firefighter but pretty much the same concept. He wouldn't leave a fellow soldier behind, but when things were at their worst, he was willing to leave me behind. Thank God that is changing now. We didn't do The Love Dare but it is something I would love to challenge myself to do. If I get a hold of the book and start The Love Dare, I will update you on my progress.

Operation Christmas Child Revisit

So a couple of months ago I talked about giving and how we put together a shoe box for Operation Christmas Child.

I love Operation Christmas Child! And this year, we actually got to see the child that our box went to.



Kylie got a huge envelope in the mail from a missionary group called "Build the Future USA". They sent her a lovely letter detailing their mission trip to the Yucatan Peninsula. I particularly like this passage:

"The excitement in their eyes and the smiles on their faces are priceless. The boxes and it's contents are carefully examined, each item is cherished and placed back into the box exactly as it was packed. Some of the children save the paper it was originally wrapped in, picking up every scrap that was torn off when they opened the box."

These children who have very little, cherish this small gift that we gave. I can tell you the look on her face just says it all to me. The look on Kylie's face when she saw the little girl who received her box was priceless. It makes it all worth it for me and I can't wait to do it with both of my girls this year.

If you want to find out more about how you can give to Operation Christmas Child and Samaritan's Purse, please go to www.samaritanspurse.org.

January Reflections

I know its been a long time since I updated.

January was one hectic month for me and my family. It was the start of the new year, I was so gung-ho on my resolutions that this would be a good year. Well, it didn't start off that way.

On January 21st, my Grandma's birthday, Jeff was laid off. I was so distraught. I was upset. I couldn't understand why God would let this happen to us. Thank God that night was prayer service at my church. I went for the first time and I got loved on so much by three wonderful ladies, Ms. Beverly, Ms. Kathy and Ms. Gail. They prayed with me after service and since then God has done a true work on my attitude about this situation. I actually feel good and okay about the lay off. Jeff is getting back into the military. I truly believe that this a good decision especially with the current state of the economy. We were so excited to be out and be "stable" but life since we have gotten out has been anything but.

I am excited for the new prospects for this year. I am determined to start my own business and with the stay of execution on homemade children's products I feel that I can finally start the business that has been tugging at me these past couple of months.

Another traumatic event this month was Kylie deciding to knock her teeth out with her wooden play hammer. This was right after Jeff was laid off and I was again upset as to why this would happen now of all times. But, God again did a work and gave me the last spot in the free children's dental clinic. Wow, what an amazing God I serve. So now Kylie can get her teeth fixed and I don't have to pay anything! God is good!

I feel generally good and uplifted despite my current circumstances. And I can actually say that since I went to that prayer meeting, I haven't been feeling as blue as I had been. God is truly doing a work in my life right now and it feels AWESOME.

I guess maybe for me, my awesome year didn't start with the Christian calendar but with the Chinese calendar. My Dad pointed that out on the phone today. In the Chinese calendar, the new year started on January 26th.

So I look forward to what else this year has in store for me. I know that with the current state of things, I cannot plan for anything. I just have to wait and see what God is going to do in our lives. Which is scary but exciting as well.

The Change Has Come

Today marks the start of a new period for the United States. Our first African-American president has been sworn into office. Not only is President Obama, our first African-American president but he is ushering in a new hope for America.

Jeff says not to shoot my hopes too high but I say, I'm going to shoot them high. Our new hope comes to us during a time of economical crisis and a seemingly endless war. He makes lofty promises. But he seems to be trying to make good on those promises.

I hope, as I'm sure that many of my fellow Americans are hoping, that President Obama brings us the needed change and turn around that this country so desperately needs. And I know that its not going to happen overnight. It took much more than 8 years to get our country to where it is today but I am putting my faith in President Obama to deliver us from our current crisis. God puts people in positions of power for reasons that we cannot understand. I am going to put my faith in my God that He has placed the right man in this position. A man who will work hard to deliver us from the current mess we find ourselves in.

So in honor of this historic day in our countries history I am making Obama's Chili. But I have altered the recipe somewhat to tailor it to what I had available in the house and what I happen to like in my chili.

So here is my version of Obama's Chili

1 Tbsp Olive Oil
1 medium onion diced
1 medium bell pepper chopped
2 stalks of celery diced
5 cloves of garlic minced
3/4lb of ground beef
1 Tbsp Chili Powder
1/4 tsp cumin
1/4 tsp oregano
1/4 tsp basil
1/2 tsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp Lawrys Seasoned Salt
1 14.5oz can Hunts Fire Roasted Tomatoes with Garlic
1 14.5oz can crushed tomatoes
3 Tbsp of Red Wine Vinegar

Heat the olive oil in your stock pot on medium heat. Throw in the vegetable and cook until slightly browned
Add the ground beef and break up as you are cooking it (I use my Pampered Chef Mix 'n Chop for this. I heart my Pampered Chef Mix 'n Chop)
When the ground beef is just starting to brown add your spices
Let the mixture cook for about 2-3 minutes and add your tomatoes and vinegar.
Let cook on low heat for at least an hour to develop the flavor.

We are having this over baked potatoes but rice would be just as nice.

Oh and side note. Please please please don't forget to add the Red Wine Vinegar. I forgot to add it and I nearly kicked myself. The Red Wine Vinegar totally makes the dish. President Obama totally knows what he's doing when it comes to making a pot of chili!

Okay So This is Scary

Like I said, every time. EVERY TIME, I verbal vomit all over my blog about how bad I'm feeling, I open my my Joel Osteen email and I get something profound about what I am going through that day. Its just weird. I know that God is using his daily devotional email to speak to me. But its still weird.

This is what it said today:

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair…He set my feet on solid ground…He has given me a new song to sing…

Psalm 40:1-3, NLT

Now the most profound thing about this is that it doesn't actually say that the Lord is going to deliver me from my problems but that He is going to lift me out of the pit of despair. I read this as He is going to bring about an attitude change in me. He is going to give me a new song to sing. A song of victory over my emotional challenges. I receive this Lord. I receive it in your holy name! I receive that you are going to bring about a change in me. A profound change designed to bring about my victory over my emotional challenges. I receive it Lord!

This scripture gives me hope. It hasn't changed my attitude just yet (I still feel rather blah, as I like to say). But I will wait patiently on the Lord and He will deliver me.

Oh Pastor Joel, Why Do You Convict Me So?

Okay, so every time I have a revelation about my bad day and post it here, I open my email to find my daily devotional from Joel Osteen Ministries. Here was today's devotional:

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:30-31, NIV

I do put my faith in the Lord...most days. It's rough for me to be completely in faith 24/7, 365. But most days I do have faith. When I am in a big funk, it tends to be harder to have faith. On those days I don't have faith in myself, much less anyone or anything else.

But I know, how important it is to have faith. Without faith, you cannot accomplish anything. And I'm not just talking about faith in God, I'm talking about faith in general. If you don't have faith in yourself, will you start a business, a project, anything? No. Probably not. So faith is important no matter what we do. But I put my faith in a higher power. I put my faith in the One, the Alpha and the Omega. He numbers my steps. He guides my way. I put my faith in God to deliver me from my current circumstances and bring me out a better person.

Mommy is Santa Real?

"Mommy, is Santa real?" That is something as a parent, I dreaded to hear. I didn't want Kylie to question whether or not Santa was real just yet. I mean, shes 5 years old! But, yesterday she asked me the question.

I have been mulling over how to answer that question for a long time. I knew it would come up eventually and like most parents I don't want to lie to my child about something like Santa. So, I answered her as truthfully as I could without telling her that Santa the person is not real.

We sat down with her little sister on the couch and read "Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus". After I was done reading it to her, I explained that as long as there are people out there who are willing to give to others, that Santa Claus will always exist because Santa is the spirit of giving. We talked about the true meaning of the holiday season and why it's important to give to others this time of year. That it's not about toys and presents that we get, it's about what we can give to others and what we can do for them. Then we read a story about the birth of Jesus, and used that as a spring board to talk about God's gift to us all.

So I guessed I used the dread question as a way to open up dialog with Kylie about the true meaning of Christmas. We talked about how important it is to give to those in need this holiday season and lets face it there are a lot of people in need right now. We talked about how important it was that we participated in Operation Christmas Child and the annual Westside Moms Adopt a Family and even giving our canned goods to the church today as part of their annual Christmas food drive. About why we give to the Salvation Army this time of year. All that stuff is what Christmas is really about. It's about giving of yourself to others just as God gave His one and only son to us so that we may be saved.

Living Under a Blessing and Not a Curse

Faith is a powerful thing. The bible defines faith as "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 NIV

"Sure" and "Certain" are key words there. Sure and Certain of what we hope for but cannot see. You can't see it. You can't feel it. But you know it's there and working for you. That's faith.

But why is faith so powerful? Jesus said, "According to your faith will it be done to you." Matthew 9:29b NIV. Another version says this,"Become what you believe." The Message Wow, become what you believe. That's powerful!

Let's think about that for a while. Becoming what you believe. Now that can be a positive or a negative thing. If you envision only good things for yourself, isn't that whats going to come your way? Good things? If you envision only bad for yourself, isn't that whats going to find you?

Jeff and I have very different outlooks on things. He has let his disappointments beat him down to the point where he expects the worst and usually gets it. I on the other hand try to see good things happening. I hold onto the belief that God will deliver me from my circumstances in His time. Though I want that deliverance now, this is my season of struggle. I'm learning something, maybe empathy, who knows. But this is a season for me to learn and grow. Things can't be peach pie all the time. Inevitably, life has it's ups and downs. Monsoons and droughts right? Granted, I'm not always thinking about the positive. My frame of mind isn't always God-focused. But my faith, that God is bigger than my current circumstances, gets me through the day.

You can believe for the best and not get it, but isnt it better to believe for the best and not get it than to run around with a defeatest attitude all the time?

Jeffs attitude can be very contagious. It's very easy to live in a sour state of mind when things aren't going your way. It's much harder to live with the faith that God will deliver you from all of this. That even though it's hard right now, it's not going to be soon (soon for us and soon for God are relative things). Sometimes I do allow Jeffs attitude to affect me. It did earlier today. These past couple of months have been really hard on all of us. But I know, I mean really know, deep down in my soul that things are going to get better. I hold onto that belief for dear life. It's what gets me through the day. I just wish that my husband could share that with me sometimes. Its hard to live with someone who is always so worried about everything. I know that things are going to work out for us. I just wish that he could know that too. I guess thats what seperates someone who believes versus someone who doesn't. And I'm not just talking about Christians. I mean anyone who believes in something greater. Holding onto that belief, that faith that there is something greater than your circumstances that is working for your good 24/7 is extremely comforting especially when times are hardest.

Okay end rant, off my soap box now. ;)

What Could Giving Look Like?

"Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. As it is written:

'He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor; his righteousness endures forever'"

2 Corinthians 9: 6-9 (NIV)

I have been thinking a lot about the topic of giving lately. Christmas time is called the season of giving because it is at this time of year that God gave us his son. What bigger gift could anyone receive than the gift of salvation but, what does giving look like today, right now in this economic climate?

The Salvation Army is reporting that they aren't receiving as many donations this year. People everywhere are looking for help because of job loss and other financial hardships. But this is the time no matter what our financial circumstances that we really need to be out there helping those in need.

I am not financially secure by any means. Jeff comes home the other day and tells me that his temp job is about to end. My hours at work have been cut drastically. This past month I have made half of what I normally make. But I give. I give what I can, when I can. It may not be much, but it's something. And this got me thinking, if everyone gave "just a little something", what would that look like?

If everyone in the state of Colorado (over the age of 18) gave a dollar to the Salvation Army, they would collect $3,592,037 during the holiday season. Can you believe that? If everyone in this country over the age of 18 gave a dollar to the Salvation Army, they would collect $225,084,715!!! Really what is a dollar? What do you waste a dollar on? I personally am guilty of wasting a dollar on Sausage Biscuit and Egg sandwiches at Burger King, coffee at 7-11, and buying things that clutter my home at the dollar store.

With the need so great this year, if everyone just in Colorado Springs (over the age of 18), donated a dollar to Care and Share Food Bank it would total $292,889. How many hungry people would that feed?

I don't presume to know anyone's situation. But the fact is that even if you and everyone around you gave just a small amount, it adds up. If 6 people got together and each gave $5.00, that would total $30.00 which is what a Christmas food basket costs from either Angel Food Ministries or Share Colorado. Those 6 people, with their limited funds could provide a nice dinner for a family in need.

The economic situation has me reconsidering what I spend my money on. Yes, money is tight here as it is for many people but you shouldn't be reconsidering your giving. Maybe you can't give as much as you did last year but I'm sure that even if you can't contribute financially, you can certainly give that sweater in your closet that hasn't fit in 2 years or those canned goods that you bought 6 months ago that you still haven't eaten. There is always something that you can do even if you can't give monetarily. Give your time. There are so many people who are alone this time of year, especially Seniors that just maybe want a friend. Give what you can give to others but most importantly do so cheerfully. Give from your heart and not because you feel obligated to. But I can tell you something, once you start giving its going to make you feel so good that you aren't going to want to stop.

**I found all the population statistics on www.census.gov

Crappy Start Great Finish

Okay so this week started on not so high of a note but, I have to say that it ended well.

So I was in church today like I am every Sunday and I had a revelation. I know that Circle Drive Baptist is the place for me to be. I don't really consider myself a baptist more just a general christian but, when I walk into the sanctuary, I feel...happy.

No matter how badly my day starts off, going to church makes me feel happy. I'm thinking now and I don't really know if any other church has truly made me feel happy when I walk through the door. Inspired, convicted, appreciative, guilty (yep, I have been to those kind of churches) maybe but not really happy. I had a though morning today. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed, Kylie was a bundle of energy and questions the minute I set my tired feet on the ground. That is just not cool when you are A. tired and B. have not yet had a cup of coffee. Kaitlynn was fussy. Kylie was argumentative. My face turned red and the thought of locking them both in the basement until Christmas crossed my mind. But then I realized the Christmas presents were down there. I frantically made breakfast, showered, got dressed and ran out the door at 10:48 (keep in mind that church starts at 11 and it usually takes me 20 minutes to get there). So it was a harried morning to say the least. But, when I dropped Kylie off at children's church, I see smiling faces. When I walk up the stairs to the sanctuary, I see smiling faces and people telling me "Good Morning". I walk into the sanctuary, and I see the beautifully decorated Living Christmas tree and I just felt, happy.

No matter what is going on in my life, financial difficulty, marital difficulty, feelings of loneliness and wanting to run away from it all, when I get to church it all seems to go away and I can truly focus on what should always be first in my life...God. I think that for me, God tends to get lost sometimes in the trials of the week. That should not happen I know. I should be God-minded all the time. But in the reality of this world that is hard. But, I am working on it. I realized this morning that when I am God-minded, no matter what my circumstances, I am truly happy. So that's why, being at church makes me truly happy. I can focus on what is really important. Focus on God and He will take care of the rest.

So speaking of The Living Christmas tree. I hear its a great time and if anyone wants to go, I picked up extra tickets today. Just let me know!

It's Just Crap-Tastic

So, it's 723am and I have already had a crappy morning. No not because of my children...

This morning I set my alarm to 530am. Not because I needed to wake up that early but because I wanted to make sure that Jeff got to work on time today. The last 2 weeks I have found that if I don't set my alarm to get up early, Jeff will not get up. Lately, it has been my responsibility (it feels like) to make sure that he gets up for work. Why? He's 29 years old, he should be able to get himself up for work right? Nope. Even while he was in the military I would still have to get up early to make sure that he would get up for work.

He's supposed to be at work by 7am. So he needs to leave the house by 630am to make it to work on time. Preferably he should leave at 615am because of morning traffic but that rarely happens. So, I get up not at 530am but at 5am because he set his alarm to go off at 5am. And every time the alarm goes off, I shake him. He grunts, hits snooze and goes back to sleep. The alarm goes off every 15 minutes. Finally after an hour and a half of the stupid alarm going off (I'm not kidding, I rolled out of bed at 630am), I get up. Everytime I shake him to wake him up he tells me, "Don't worry about it." or "It's not a big deal". So, trying to calm myself down I walk out to the living room to check my email, which of course would not load this morning. At 645am I walk back into the bedroom (he's supposed to be at work in 15 minutes) and I ask him, "So what time do you want to get up so I can make sure that I wake you up". At this point he starts to go off about how he doesn't want to get up because I'm going to be in a "grouchy ass" mood. I didn't even ask him the question in a snide way. I just point blank asked him what time he wanted to get up and that started us off on an agrument this morning. He went off on a tirade about how I'm a "bitch" and I'm always "tired". I told him that I didn't have to get up at 530am I just set my alarm to make sure that I could get him up. And it went on and on. Until I threw a loaf of bread at him and he slammed the door this morning before he left for work, finally, at 720am.

But this is the way things have been between us lately. When things are good they are just all right. When things are bad they are REALLY bad. I try to avoid arguments by just sitting in my bedroom when we are home together. I try not to talk to him about what is bothering me because he always turns it around on me and makes me feel ridiculous and stupid for feeling neglected, offended, hurt or upset. I try just to leave him alone. If I leave him alone, we don't fight and things stay relatively peaceful...sometimes. He will still get on me about not spending time with the kids. I ALWAYS spend time with the kids. I take Kaitlynn to work with me for crying out loud. Everywhere I go tote one or both of the kids with me. Just cause I don't want them up my rear when I'm at home and trying to get stuff done doesn't mean that I am not spending time with them. Or, he will get on me about not cleaning the house. Granted, I have absolutely no motivation to clean. But no one in this house seems to either. The minute I clean the wrecking crew follows behind me to destroy it. Who is that guy in greek mythology that rolls the boulder up the hill everyday just to do it again the next day. Thats the way I feel about cleaning. I accomplish it, but nothing really gets done.

I need a vacation. I need to get away and decompress for a while, by myself. I can't remember the last time I was truly able to get away to relax. I think the last time I got away for myself and just myself to pamper me was spa night last November. And even then I wasn't really able to relax because Jeff had just gotten home from Iraq and was calling me every 15 minutes asking me when I was coming home. Not because he missed me but because Kaitlynn and Kylie were driving him nuts. But I also don't want to get away because with the state that things have been in lately, I may never come back.

I get so tired of my life sometimes. I am not happy. I have not been happy for a long time and I don't know how to change it. My marriage is miserable and I take it out on the kids by ignoring them or yelling at them when they do the slightest thing wrong. I really want my marriage to work. I want to be able to fix it. We have two children and have been together for 8 years. I want it to work but sometimes we try to hold on to something that God is trying to seperate us from. (One of my favorite lines from "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"). But I pray and I don't know what Gods will is for me and this situation. Maybe I am so focused on what is going on around me that I can't hear what God is trying to tell me.

So why am I blogging about this? Well because other than God, I have no one to talk to and blogging can be very cathardic. I feel lost right now and very much alone. I know that God is always here, listening. But sometimes you just want someone else with you. A good friend that you can trust. Someone physical that you know will make you laugh or give you good advice when times are tough. I'm sorry to say that I don't really have that right now. I haven't had that for a while now, not since one of my friends moved to the DC area.

I just want to effect a positive change in my life but right now I just don't know how to do that. I am tired of feeling alone and lost. I am sick of not feeling loved. I am just tired and I want to go back to bed but, I have to make breakfast for my kids.

Thanksgiving Reflections

With the whirlwind that was yesterday and the shopping frenzy that was today, I haven't really had a chance to sit and think about the last two days. But now that the girls are in bed, I have some liberty sit and think.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving to me is more than just "Pilgrims" and "Indians". It's an opportunity to reflect on what blessings you have received throughout the year. With the turmoil of this past year, it's hard for me to immediately think about things that I am thankful for. But even with all the emotional upheaval and the familial upset, there are things (rather big things) that I can be thankful for.

I am thankful that Jeff finally got a job after months and months of looking.

I am thankful that Jeff has been home for an entire year. I don't think that has happened since we moved here to Colorado in 2002.

I am thankful that Jeff has gotten to know his daughters better this past year. He's really starting to learn about them and all their quirks.

I am thankful that even though we had some financial hardship this past year, we still have our home. It was touch and go for a while. It was hard to find the money to keep up the payments but God has shown me that I need to humble myself in times of need and ask for help. Thank God for my father who stepped up to help us with the payments.

I am thankful that I had enough money saved to create what I hope to be a great Christmas for the girls. I even have some money left over! I didn't blow my shopping budget this year and both girls will still have plenty to open. I even managed to get Jeff some nice things and I wrapped them already so he can't peek!

I am thankful for my full belly. Even with limited funds we still had a FULL thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. Not everyone is so lucky.

I am thankful that my heat works. Our heater stopped working last year after we had a gas leak. I was worried that we would have to call someone to repair it (and we didn't have the funds to pay for that after having to replace our transmission in our ONLY vehicle). By the grace of God when we went to turn on the central heat, IT WORKED!!! Thank you Jesus! We have been toasty and warm at 65 degrees ever since. I keep it at 65, I'm cheap after all!

I am thankful that Kylie is in school. When I first tried to register her, I was told that everything was full. That we would be put on the waiting list. I still have yet to hear from district 8 but, two weeks after I put in our application for Head Start we were accepted! So shes in school and its free plus they feed her lunch. It's been such a blessing!

I am thankful for my Dad. He and I have had a rocky road. We haven't had the best relationship but God spoke to my heart and humbled me. My Dad and I have been working on our relationship for a while. Its not perfect and I don't think it ever will be but at least we are working on it. He has really stepped up to help us in times of need. It's been a true blessing to have him in our lives again.

I am thankful for my two punks. Yes, they drive me nut. Yes, they are a handful. Yes, they fight with each other all the time. But I love them. They provide an endless source of entertainment and frustration. But they are mine and hey, I can't kick them out until they are 18. :)

I am thankful for my job. Lindsey is great with her flexibility. Though at times it can be demanding. But, how many jobs will let you bring your child with you when you aren't able to afford childcare? I have truly been blessed by this job.

I am thankful for coffee. My life blood! Oh how I love you my Columbia Roast.

and finally...

I am thankful for my God. Without Him, I think I would be in the nut house. He made it possible for me to survive three deployments with my sanity intact. He has made it possible that we were able to never really lack anything during our time of financial hardship. He is my provider. He is my strength. He is my comfort. He is my defender. He is my faithful friend.

In truth I could probably go on and on about what I am thankful for. When you are in a thanksgiving frame of mind, it's hard to stop thinking about all the ways you have been blessed in the last year. It's easy to start thinking of things, no matter how small they are. A blessing doesn't have to be big in order for it to be important. All blessings are important and I think recognizing those small blessings are more important than recognizing the big ones. The big ones are the obvious blessings and are usually few compared to all the little blessings that happen everyday. I think that the real secret to being happy is to see, recognize and be thankful for all the little blessings that happen everyday. To truly see the glass half full and realize that no matter how bad things are right now, there are still things to be grateful for. Focusing on the blessings and not the curses is what gets you through the day. Hey, that was deep. I should write that on my mirror too. Feel free to quote me. I'm not that deep that often. :)

I hope that everyone had a wonderful, happy and blessed Thanksgiving and that you got to experience the fabulous turkey coma!

Now is the Winter of Our Discontent

Wow its been a while since I blogged huh. Betcha thought I forgot about my blog again. I didn't. I have just been really tired. Abnormally tired and I've been having some joint pain in my hands and pain in my feet and back. The hypochondriac in me thinks I have lupus. The rational person in me says that I need to get more sleep, eat better, take my vitamins and start exercising. Oh and knock off all the coffee. I personally believe that a lot of our ailments can be solved by diet. Not everything of course, but a lot of things can. If we don't take care of ourselves and that includes eating well, our body's don't function right. If you eat crap, you feel like crap. And well...I've been eating a lot of crap lately to include at least 3 (yep 3) cups of coffee a day. So what does all this have to do with the "winter of my discontent"? Not a whole heck of a lot but I just thought I would share.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr Mike continued his financial series today. Today's topic was contentment. How to find contentment. To seek our contentment in not what our circumstances are but by finding divine joy in God. In other words not letting your circumstances determine your outlook. But by seeking contentment in what you have by focusing on the good things of God.

Why does every sermon convict me so?

This really got me thinking today about my own personal contentment. I am not content. I have not been for a while. But why am I not content? I am dissatisfied with my marriage. I have too much clutter choking the daylights out of me. I have two children who though they love me and I love them drive me insane. I am homesick and I am tired of struggling financially. If you were any ordinary person and just saw things in the natural, you probably wouldn't be too content either. But I don't want to be an ordinary person. I want to be a person that can be identified as a Christian from a mile away. I want to have Gods divine joy and contentment. I want to have that quiet strength that you see in true Christians. I want those around me to be affected by the spirit of God through me. But by being so dissatisfied and stressed out all the time, I'm not modeling that to the world. The bible says that you shall know a tree by its fruit and well, my fruit hasn't been juicy and ripe for some time.

But I think that I become so overwhelmed with the day to day that I forget to look at things in the spirit. I forget to try to see things through Gods eyes. Yes my children irritate me but I have children. Yes my house is cluttered but I have a house. Yes I'm homesick but there are many out there who don't have families to go home to. Yes we struggle with finances but we have enough food in our home when others don't. There is always good in a situation. Though we maybe so overwhelmed with the bad that we don't see it.

Being content is not something that's easy but it's something that I need to strive for. It's something I need to work on. One thing that I do have control over is all the clutter in my home. If I can get ride of say 75% of it and live with less stuff then I do believe that I can truly be happier and more relaxed. Chaos is a deal breaker for me. I don't like chaos but my home seems to be filled with it. I know that I can be happy with less. I know my girls can be happy with less. Now, Jeff I don't know if he can be happy with less. He seems to always want more. He keeps talking about buying an LCD TV and the kind of car he wants to have oh and don't forget he "needs" The Wrath of the Lich King (which is sold out everywhere). I don't really think about stuff like that right now. We are managing with what we have and we would manage with 50% less.

I need to get started with the first step to my contentment. Decluttering my home! I pray that God gives me the energy to tackle such a monumental feet. The clutter is overwhelming and that's why I haven't even attempted it until now. But Kylie's birthday is 3 weeks away and Christmas is just around the corner. Things need to get out of my house before I'm drowning in even more clutter than before!