I Wonder....

This year will be the year that I turn 30. This impending event and the multitude of gray hairs I have been finding lately have me reflecting on my life.

I have to say that 12 years ago, as a senior in high school, I had lofty dreams for myself. I was a graduate of a very prestigious high school looking at my future as a theater major at the University of Hawaii (I was supposed to go to DePaul but I didn't feel ready to leave home yet). I never ever imagined that a year later I would meet Jeff. That a year after that I would be married. That three years after that I would be having our first child while my husband was off fighting a war in a distant country. I never thought this is the course my life would take. I never really saw myself as a mother. I knew I would get married someday but going through high school without anyone showing a hint of attraction my way, I guess I never imagined that I would be married at 20, having kids at 23. I always saw myself on stage. I saw myself performing. I saw myself under lights and in front of cameras. Ahh to be that starry-eyed girl again.

But lately my mind has been wandering toward those teenage dreams. As I watch movies or read books, I imagine exactly how I would portray a particular character, how I would direct a scene. I have been wondering what if... What if I went to DePaul? What if I followed through with my theater major? What if I had really pursued the dream instead of giving up because I thought I wasn't good enough? Would I be a typical starving artist now? Where would I be? I'm not saying that I regret the path my life has taken but I just can't help but wonder...

I have been toying with the idea of community theater. I don't know even if such a thing exists here in Colorado Springs, but if it does I'll find it. I may have to take some acting classes first. I'm sure acting is NOT like riding a bike. I may have to brush up on my mad skillz before even attempting an audition.

An Observation...

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her"
John 8:7b (NIV Translation)

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
Matthew 7: 1-2 (NIV Translation)


I had a friend post something on Facebook the other day that got me thinking...

A lot of people, myself included tend to see fault in others but not ourselves. We nit pick at the things that people do or say and take unneeded offense to it. Then because we are so affronted by an action or a word, we judge that person probably too harshly than they deserve.

I'm fairly self-deprecating by nature and overly sensitive. I tend to read between the lines a lot when the implications aren't necessarily there. But I think that a lot of this offense and judgement could be overcome with just a little empathy. Sometimes a person is going through a situation, a season, a moment where they aren't really themselves. They have given themselves over to their emotional state and just need space. Sometimes that makes them make decisions that may not be the best for themselves or others but that doesn't mean that anyone has the right to judge them for it. I'm sure each one of us (as the first passage indicates) has had a time in our lives that we weren't the nicest, most pulled together person. For me this is a frequent occurrence when I'm just driving around the city.

My point is, people are just people. We all make mistakes. We are fallible. We are imperfection. Should we judge others because of something they did when in our heart of hearts, we know that it's probably we have done ourselves in the past or could do in the future?

I think one point the second passage is really trying to make on judgement is not just about how we will be judged by our Father. But how we will be judged by the people around us as well. If you judge someone for something and you turn around and do the same thing, what does that say about your character?

I'm not really one for New Years resolutions or New Years goals. I don't always stick to things like I should, I'm a rebel after all. Ha-ha. But I think that one goal I will have for myself this year is to try to really put myself in another persons shoes before I take offense, before I judge. To try to see the world from their perspective.

Adjusting...

At the start of this new year I find myself in familiar and not entirely welcomed territory. I am a single parent...AGAIN.

Don't get me wrong, I am so very very thankful for the job that Jeff has. It will provide for all our needs and some of our wants too. He had been out of work for so long and was lost and rather depressed. He had a hard time sleeping at night and because of this was rather irritable during the day. But for all of that, he was home. After years of deployments, I had him here and he was able to get to know his kids again. But...

Because I had him home for 2 whole years, I feel sort of lost right now. Because our relationship was going so well before he left I feel really lonely and now I am the one thats having a hard time sleeping (1 or 2am seems to be the usual bedtime for me now). I feel all befuddled and cornfuseled. Right now I have a deep, deep desire to just hide with a good book for a while and with two small children, that's not going to happen.

I struggle even with the day to day of just running this household and not going brutally insane. There are two small girls here who are having just as rough a time if not more so of adjusting to our new living situation. I know they miss their Daddy as much as I do.

Right now I just need to find some kind of balance to all of this. I need to find new ways of dealing with my stress and frustration. Maybe that's why I'm now turning back to this blog.

I am feeling utterly antisocial right now. I don't even really want to spend time with my kids (I know horrible thing for a mom to say right). I just feel like I can't breathe.

Despite all of this, I find myself trying to put on a brave face again to those around me so they don't see the true extent of my emotions. It's a skill I learned all to well in my years as an army wife. But I know that after the adjustment period the sun will break through the clouds again, I will feel more like myself. I know I just need time. And once that time is over, I'll finally be able to breathe again...

New Year, New Life

I know, I know. It's been a LONG time since I last posted. There has been much going on in the past few months. So much that it left my head swirling. My oldest started her first year of REAL school, my husband and I repaired our relationship a point where we are better now than we have ever been. I have watched God move in my life and use my circumstances to move in the lives of others. I have watched relationships grow and strengthen, while at the same time my pride, stubbornness and pigheadedness fell apart.

This last year has been interesting to say the least. There are been more downs than there have been ups. With job loss for both of us, a tanked credit score, a notice that our house was about to go into the foreclosure process, and a rocky marriage (to put in mildly), this has been a year of unending challenges. But it has also been a year where I watched God move. Where He changed me and my outlook. Where he broke down my pride and showed me that I HAVE to depend on Him. Where He used people to mister to my spiritual and physical needs. Where we never went without. Where we still have our home. So has this been a good year? Yes. Has it been an easy year? No, not by a long shot.

But now that we have ushered in a whole new year. 2010, I know that I have climbed this mountain, this season is coming to a close. What a relief that is for me. I am excited and nervous about this new season that 2010 is ushering in. My husband finally got a job. The job he had been wanting since he got out of the Army. He was finally hired on as a defense contractor. He has been doing training (and a lot of waiting) in Georgia the past three weeks and headed out to Kuwait this morning. This job will provide us with a lot of financial stability. Heck more financial stability that we could have asked for. You know how in Job, God gave Job back everything he lost 2 fold, well thats what this job is pretty much going to do for us financially. It will be like 3 years of Army salary all rolled into one. So it has me excited that we will get to do so many things that we haven't been able to do like travel to see family, enroll the girls in a sport or other extra curricular activity, pay all of our past due bills off, etc. But all this still comes with a price tag, Jeff has to leave for a year...

So my new season comes with it's own set of challenges, it's own mountain to climb. But I know that God has really good things in store for us this year. He used my situation to make me a better person, to make me see that EVERYTHING in this life comes from Him. To ask (as he commands). Because if you don't ask, how can you receive.

One of my favorite sayings goes like this:

A woman is like a tea bag, you never know how strong she is until she's in hot water.

God showed me that I'm strong like a double shot of espresso, but only that strong when I put my faith in Him.



Now I must warn you that I'm probably going to be rearranging the blog a bit. With this new year and new season, I think my blog needs a face lift. What I come up with should be interesting. ;)

Lots and Lots going on...

So there has been a lot going on around here.

• Kylie started school and she's loving it.
  
• We've had a family trip to Miller Farm with our church.
  
• AWANAs started last week.
  
• I had been running around like a crazy person to find someone to help with the utility bill.
  
• We went to a parade
  
• I have been experimenting with new frugal money saving recipes. Beetroot Hummus anyone?
  
• I'm taking a dicipleship prayer class at my church. In other words how to pray more effectively.
  
• And we have been getting our socks blessed off by the wonderful people that God has put into our lives.
  

I know this is not much of an update. But I will have more soon to include pictures and hopefully some recipes.

I have been out of it lately but I have some wonderful things to share. So check back with me soon!

I Miss You, My Hawai'i

Do you know that song? It's by Na Leo Pilimehana. Probably if you're not from Hawaii, you have NO clue who I am talking about.

I have been feeling extremely nostalgic lately. Thinking about the "good 'ol days" and remembering growing up in the lush island paradise known as Hawai'i. I am and always will be a Hawaii girl at heart. Being so far away from the seashore is just killing me. Maybe that's part of my problem, part of the reason why I have been in so much of a funk lately.

I haven't been home in 4 years!!! I have not seen the ocean, smelled the salty air, or inhaled the intoxicating fragrance of ginger or gardenia. I miss seeing the palm trees and feeling the trade winds on my face. The feel of the sand between my toes and the warm clear ocean water lapping at my thighs. My soul longs for the shores of Waimea and Waikiki. My heart longs to see my family and hug my Gramma one more time. My tongue longs for the flavors of home. For poke and laulau, haupia and Okinawan sweet potato, malasadas and manapuas.

So what can you do when you are thousands of miles away from home and feeling so incredibly homesick that you can't stand it? Well for me, I dig out some old cookbooks. I can't go to Hawai'i right now but I can bring some of the flavors from home into my kitchen.

This cookbook was my Grandma's.



My Dad gave me a whole bunch of her cookbooks when I was home in 2005 (she passed away in 2001). I have no idea exactly how old this one is because there is no copyright date in it. I do know that it was given to my Grandma as a gift in 1966.



And I do know that it is old. Well old to me. Just look at the funky graphics.



Anywho, I tried two recipes from this cookbook tonight. We had the Chinese Beef Tomato and I attempted the Malasadas recipe. Notes on the Malasada recipe to come.



Doesn't it look yummy? And before you ask, yes I did take a huge bite out of it before I took a picture. That is the reason why the fork is dirty. I had to make sure that it wasn't poison before I posted the recipe right?

Chinese Beef Tomato

2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tbsp canola oil
3/4 lb sirloin tip, thinly sliced and seasoned with salt and pepper
1 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp soy sauce
1/8 tsp powdered ginger
1 tsp rice wine vinegar
1/2 C water
2 stalks celery, cut on the diagonal
1/2 onion cut into chunks
1 medium green bell pepper, cut into chunks
3 plum tomatoes, seeded and cut into chunks
1 tbsp cornstarch
1 1/2 tbsp water

Brown garlic in oil and then add your seasoned meat and brown lightly.
Add sugar, salt, soy sauce, ginger, vinegar and water into the pan and simmer for 5 minutes.
Add celery, onion, green bell pepper, and tomatoes, simmer for 2 minutes.
Add your cornstarch slurry (cornstarch mixed with the 1 1/2 tbsp water) and cook another minute or until sauce is thick and glossy.

Serve over rice.

Now a note about the malasadas. I have been craving malasadas since the Punahou carnival in February. All my friends and classmates were posting about how they were working the Malasada booth. And being unemployed, I can't exactly go out and buy some though there is a Vietnamese restaurant up the street that makes a pretty decent knock off.

Anyways there is a recipe in the cookbook for malasadas so I decided to try it. I followed the directions, got the oil up to 375 like the directions said and well...they cooked to fast leaving the outside nice and brown and the inside like goo. So once I get the recipe right, I will post it with some pics.

Just Breathe...

Well it's been quite an interesting last few weeks...

• I lost my job
  
• Jeff got approved for a job, but can't get hired right now because they are on a hiring freeze.
  
• Kylie starts Kindergarten (real school) on Monday and will be riding the bus home...2 guesses on the part I'm most nervous about.
  
• I feel like I haven't had a minute to myself in 5 years and I am in desperate desperate need of a vacation.
  
• I've been calling around to different assistance groups and we don't qualify either because A. Jeff and I have no current job and therefore can't produce a workable budget for next month, B. Jeff is no longer active duty military, or C. Jeff is not "wounded enough" to qualify for assistance.
  

So what does this woman do when pushed up against a wall and feels like she can't breathe? Chop all her hair off!!



Oh yeah and did I mention that my camera is not working right. Go figure!

Do you like it? I do. What I didn't like was getting made fun of when I got home. Not like I haven't been having a crappy enough time the past couple of weeks but I had to come home and hear Jeff start in on me about "Dude" this and "I'm married to a man" that. What a way to pop someone's bubble not to mention hurting their feelings. Plus to top it off, he takes a subject and rolls with it until someone is on the verge of tears and then doesn't feel bad about it because it was "just a joke" and "not his fault if you take it the wrong way".

But I digress...

Just please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers these next few weeks. I'm a little tired of my situation and a LOT frustrated. I need deliverance NOW or I might just leave (by myself) and hop the next flight to Hawaii and camp out on the beach for the rest of my life.

After writing this post, I went to my living room to vacuum up the cereal crumbs from this morning and wouldn't you know it, my vacuum stopped working. Chock it up to another perfect day!