Religion vs. Relationship.

So today I was talking to one of my friends and I was telling her about my church and she asked me but how can a church not be religious? How can you be a Christian and follow a religion without being religious. What exactly is the difference between religion and relationship.

This is the way I see it. Some may disagree. Religion bound means that you believe that everything has to be a certain way. That you judge not only others but yourself for not conforming to your ideals of faith. That you do not respect other beliefs and try to force your beliefs and opinions on others around you. You basically conform to your ideal of what a Christian, Muslim, Jew, whatever is. That you are bound by the rules that you or others have set up for you and not by your faith. That you look down on those that do not believe the same way that you do and feel that you need to get them to view things exactly the way you do. That you feel that those that do not believe the same as you do must be bad/evil/destructive. That you do not allow certain things/people/movies/literature/toys what have you into your home because they could be harmful to your faith and the way you see things.

I used to be religion bound. It was not a fun place to be. I used to be extremely judgmental. I used to think that toys or books were evil and needed to be banned from my house. I used to think that people who would allow such practices must be evil. I had a fear of those that were different because different was not good. So not a fun person to be around.

So what am I now? I have a relationship and not a religion. I have a relationship with God and my Lord Jesus. I am not bound by the way people think a Christian should be. I'm a Liberal Christian...I think that says it all. I'm left-wing baby, on most things.

But what does that mean? To me that means that I strive to be a good person. I strive to volunteer my time to help others. I give as much as I can. I listen with an open heart and try (try being key) not to judge others. I try to model love and not condemnation. I admit that I am fallible. I admit that I am not perfect and I'm not going to tell you how to live your life by my ideals. I no longer believe that things are going to corrupt me by their mere presence. I try to stay God-minded and not rule minded. I am a child of the most high God and as all children, you misbehave at times. You don't always follow the rules, but you try. You try to better yourself. I don't try to break the rules but rule breaking happens. I am human, I am flesh. Mistakes happen. I have certain beliefs that I strive to achieve on a daily basis. I do not ever want to make anyone feel condemned or that I think I am better than they are because of my beliefs. I want to model the love of God. I want to be more like Jesus. It's something I strive for. I do not want to limit my friends to just people that believe the way I do. Yes, it is good to surround yourself with Christians but at the same time, Jesus didn't just hang out with the believes. He was down with the tax collectors and prostitutes, giving them the gospel and showing them God's love and His love. Yes I do live my life based on the ideals I see in the Bible. But I don't see living by the Bible as being religion bound. I have my own opinions of what the bible tells me. But ultimately the most important thing is faith and trusting in God. Not being judgemental. Letting God take care of your battles. Loving others. Forgiving past wrongs. Giving to others. Letting God be the ultimate judge and protector and leaving it in His holy hands.

I think for a lot of people its the judgement aspect of being religion bound that gets them. That's the people that really and truly stick out in their mind. You did this therefore I think poorly of you. Or, you are this therefore I *know* that I am better than you. But the bible says that we should not judge others because the way we judge others is the way that God will judge us. Everyone is fallible. Everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. It was Jesus that said "Let he who has no sin cast the first stone." No one wants to hang out with a person who is going to sit there and judge them for everything little thing they do. It is no my place nor anyone else to judge others. No one person is better than any other person.

Hypocrisy is another aspect that comes up when I talk to people. Jeff especially. This is what turned him away from Catholicism. I admit that I am fallible. People know that I am a Christian but I am definitely not going to tell you how to live your life. I will tell you how my faith has helped me but I will not sit there and preach to you about how you should live or why you should believe the way that I do. This is because I am not perfect. I have my issues. I have my hang-ups that I am trying to work through. If my house is messy I'm not going to sit there and tell you how you should clean yours up you know. I never want to give a perfect facade because life has its ups and downs. My life didn't suddenly become sunshine and roses once I became a Christian. I'm still me, but now I have a strong faith that guides me and helps me to pull through the tough times.

So when it comes to religion vs relationship, I know what I have and what it means to me. A relationship is much more freeing than religion. Religion deals with fear, condemnation and guilt. I never want to be in that place ever again.

A great quote from Ghandi says, "I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." For me, I don't want to be included in that statement. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to model his love and acceptance and unconditional faith to those around me. I try, I hope that I'm doing a pretty decent job of it.

Marriage on my Mind...

So I'm sure you've noticed that I've had my marriage on my mind a lot lately. I guess it's mostly because we are getting back into the military. We just started doing well again. We just started learning how to live with each other again and now that dynamic may change and it terrifies me.

When you are in the service, any service, you have to be ready to move when the time comes but we have roots here in Colorado. We have a house, I have good friends, Kylie is in school. So Jeff and I have been talking about the prospect of him becoming a Geo-Bachelor. In the military that is when a married soldier moves to a new area without his family. I know people who have done that. It's hard. Not as hard as a deployment because they aren't in a combat situation but it's still hard. The kids still have to go without their father, and when he does come back, we'll have to start the process of learning to live with each other all over again.

It took over a year for us to finally readjust to each other. Yes, I know we are committed to making it work but if our marriage goes down the path it did last summer, I don't think I have the strength in me to "fight the good fight".

I know that this is a situation that I need to trust God with. I do trust Him, but my flesh is still afraid of the unknown. My flesh wants to resist the change and the possibility that we'll have to live without him again. My flesh doesn't believe that it has the strength to keep going when it comes to another long distance marriage. My flesh knows it's hard and doesn't want to put up with the struggle. But I remind myself of what an awesome God I serve. I remind myself that God will keep me strong and pull me through the hard times. I remind myself that with God, nothing is impossible. I remind myself that God has a true and perfect will for my life and that I need to submit to Him and not to my flesh.

It's easy to think all those things, but to really believe them in your mind and heart are something totally different. I encourage myself everyday. I try to surround myself with Godly people. That's why I like to go to prayer group on Wednesday nights. To be around others that are joyful in the Lord is a great encouragement to me. That is why I love Circle Drive Baptist and that's why I have a drive and desire to participate and volunteer there. Circle Drive Baptist helps to keep me God-centered. Most days for me are good days and when the bad days come, I try to remember the God that I serve.

I guess, I'm saying that I'm going to trust God when it comes to my marriage. I am so tired some days of putting on the brave face. But it's hard for me to sleep at night. I have such weird dreams that even in my waking hours I would say that it doesn't bother me and I trust in God, my insecurities manifest in my dreams. So I'm trying to resist my fleshly urges and remind myself that God is in control.

Now being a control freak, that's a hard concept for me. But there is something freeing about putting my situation in the hands of my almighty God.

Jeff and I had some really hard times, and I don't think that God would have repaired my marriage just to see it fail somewhere down the road. There are times when God tries to separate you from things that aren't good for you. And there are times when God tries to push you toward something that He knows is the best for you, but your flesh is resisting.

I will continue to trust God with my marriage. If Jeff has to become a Geo-Bachelor because he needs to PCS and we can't sell the house, I'll leave my marriage and all the complications of single parenthood to Him.

I guess after struggling with our relationship for so long, I just don't want to let Jeff go off somewhere without me. I don't want what we have found to die. But that's my fleshly worries again...

I'm rambling. Have you noticed that in a lot of my posts lately? I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Putting the Tiny Person to Bed.

I just got through putting Kaitlynn to bed. Lemme just tell you how this went tonight.

First it started with a bath. I asked her, "Do you want a bath?" She replies, "Jes, bat (Yes, bath). Jes, bat. Yay!" And proceeds to run off to the bathroom attempting to take off her diaper.

At the bathroom door she asks, "My potty. Potty." So I ask her, "Do you want to sit on the potty?" To which she replies, "Jes, potty. Jes, potty. Yay!"

So I take off her diaper while she continues to chant, "Jes, potty. Yay!" And then plop her down on the potty. She looks at me with a huge smile on her face and says "Potty, Yay!". She sat there for about 3 minutes and made pushing noises. Announces, "Poopy. Potty. Yay!" and then tells me "Dun". So I pull her off the potty and... There nothing in there. Ha ha fooled you. :)

Then I plop her into the bathtub and proceed to scrub her down and then let her play for a while. After about 10 minutes, she was already starting to shake and her lips were turning blue. I told her it was time to get out. "Time to get out" was immediate followed by wild crying and screaming. She loves her bath time. She did not want to get out even if she turned into a blue popsicle. So I pull the screaming mass out of the bathtub and take her to the bedroom to get her ready for bed.

After wiping her up, lotioning her up (shes got eczema on her legs again) and putting a new diaper on her, I put her pjs on. As I'm zipping up her pjs, she looks at me and says, "No wanna go bed." I look her in the eyes and say, "It's bed time. You need to go to bed." This was answered with a "Hmpf." Then she crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. ROLLED HER EYES! SHES 2! Kylie didn't start rolling her eyes at me until she was at least 3 1/2. Why does the second child grow up so much faster than the first child. And why is it that they pick up the attitude first?

Okay so I thought this was a good story. Jeff says I don't get to my point fast enough. Ha, well I guess for once, I proved him right.

Dinner on the Cheap

I love saving money. I love getting bargains. But I didn't save much money this weekend. But I did get a lot of bargains.

On Friday I got a generous loan from my Dad. He not only sent us enough money to pay our mortgage but some extra as well. So I went grocery shopping! We were running a little low on supplies. My fridge was pretty bare and Albertsons was having a fabulous sale, so I went and made the most of it! I spent almost $100.00 at Albertsons alone but I got some great deals! And let me say that we are stocked for a very long time.

So tonight we are having "Dinner on the Cheap".

A pretty nice dinner I must say. However only one thing on the menu was actually bought at the Albertsons sale. The rest of my dinner came from my Commissary shopping spree today. The Commissary had pork steaks for $0.97/lb, so I bought a tray. 4 huge pork steaks (they filled my 11X15 pan) for $3.57. Then Au Gratin potatoes I also got at the Commissary for $1.50 for the family sized box. And Finally broccoli I bought on sale at Albertsons last week. I think it was $0.88/lb.

So in all under $6.00 for dinner for 4 people. If I had made rice to go with it instead of the Au Gratin Potatoes, it would have been a lot cheaper but I'm not feeling like rice today. The last time we went out to a restaurant (Thank God we had a gift card), it was over $35.00 for 4 people. Crazy! Even a fast food meal for 4 would cost around $20.00. That's why I don't go to restaurants very often.


** Please note I was going to take a picture of my delicious and inexpensive dinner but I didn't have time to. Once it was cooked, I fed the girls and the hubby, ate my portion and ran off to prayer meeting at church. When I got home some chunky person who shall remain nameless told me that HE, "Put the rest of the food away...Put it away in my belly!" So alas, no picture of my gorgeous, yummy, cheap dinner. :)

Marriage, Oy Vay!

So that was us, 8 1/2 years ago. We got married at the Justice of the Peace in Honolulu, Hawaii on September 25th, 2000. I was 20, Jeff was 21. Boy were we young and naive. And look at how cute I was! I didn't have a clue what I was in for.

Since then we have had so many ups and downs. In civilian time we have been married for 8 1/2 years. In military time, 5 1/2 years. Each deployment has brought it's own share of trials. And even with everything we have been through, I still love the stinker. Every ounce of me wants to make my marriage work. And right now, for the most part it is. But it was really touch and go there for a while. I was at the point where I was done. I couldn't take it anymore. I even questioned whether or not I still loved him. At one point last Fall, I told Jeff that I wanted a divorce, and every ounce of me said that I was completely done. When the words, "I want a divorce" exited my mouth, it felt like this huge burden had been lifted from me. I didn't know how I was going to support myself and my children but I just knew I could do it. I think at that point, Jeff knew that this time, I was serious. And it was at that moment, that I saw my husband start to change.

Nothing changed overnight. It was the little things. Helping me more around the house. Less complaining about household chores. Curbing his spending habits. More attentive. Making an effort to turn off his game at night to come and spend time with me after the girls went to sleep. Little things that had been lacking in our relationship, were starting to be built back in. He came to me and told me that he wanted to learn about me all over again. He wanted to "study" me. There was still a lot of work to be done in our marriage but I just knew that this was God doing a work in my husband. Whether he believes that or not, this was God's hand at work.

Our marriage is far from perfect now and we have fallen back into some old habits. But we really try to be more considerate of each other. We try not to be to serious about things. We try to support each other. Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. I was an idealistic 20 year old when I got married. I didn't realize how rough the road ahead of me was going to be. I didn't realize what marriage was going to be like. I didn't realize that marriage is like a garden. It needs constant care. You need to take time everyday to tend to it. You need to keep away the parasites. You need to make sure that it gets enough water and sunshine or like my cilantro, it will die. It won't die suddenly but it will slowly wilt until all you have left is a brown shriveled thing. But like a garden, if you do take that time to make sure that it is healthy and bears fruit, you will reap a wonderful harvest.

Okay now I sound all convoluted. But you get what I mean. Marriage takes time, it takes love and it takes constant work. But if you are willing to put forth the effort especially in the rough times, it makes it all worth it in the end. I think that's what I learned throughout all of this. I learned to push through, even during the famine and the drought. I think that's why the movie Fireproof, spoke to me so much. And it's probably why my marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. We are still trying to make it work, but I have to say that I am more satisfied and happy in my relationship now than I have been in a long time.

Moral Dilemma

Okay so I have a moral dilemma.

There is a group on Facebook that is entitled "Soldiers Are Not Heroes". And there is a group on Facebook that is called "Petition to get the group 'Soldiers are not heroes' off Facebook!"

Now I'm usually of feel that everyone has a right to their own opinions. But this group has some really offensive things to say.

They want to schedule a "peaceful" protest by having each member create their own t-shirts with some sort of slogan. Here are two recommended by the group:

"Proud not to murder civilians for a living"
"Everyone knows soldiers are best covered in egg"

Now this group also says that, "THIS GROUP DOES NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE OF ANY KIND. THIS WILL BE A PEACEFUL PROTEST AGAINST TAX-FUNDED HIRED KILLERS."

But when you have a slogan on your shirt, that says a soldier is best covered in egg, what kind of response are you expecting? If you are calling soldiers tax-funded hired killers, what kind of people are you attracting? Are you going to attract the type of person who wants to have a peaceful protest or are you going to attract the type of person who is going to build an IED and put it on the side of the road?

Maybe I'm just too sensitive on this topic. I'm a former-soon-to-be-again military wife. I have been through 3 deployments. I have seen what war and loss does to families and soldiers, I have been there first hand. Never in my wildest thoughts would I ever consider a soldier of any kind a tax-funded hired killer.

My husband worked in a Medevac unit. He NEVER took a life. He helped to save lives. And not just the lives of the soldiers out there. The lives of insurgents as well. There was one instance during our second deployment where our unit Medevaced an insurgent who was responsible for the IED that killed 3 Marines. So yes, I am a little sensitive when it comes to calling a soldier a tax-funded hired killer.

So this is my dilemma. Do I join the petition group that is trying to get this wholly offensive to me group kicked off of Facebook. Or do I respect another individuals right to an opinion no matter how offensive it is, or should I just shut up?

Fireproof

Have you seen this movie? If you haven't, you should.

When I first started watching "Fireproof", I tried really hard to see past the "hard to buy" acting. But as I kept watching this movie and became entwined in the story, the original criticism I had about the acting just sort of faded away.

Fireproof is a powerful story. In an age where marriages don't last forever. In an age where divorce is an easy out, Fireproof is a story about putting everything you have into trying to make your marriage work. Trying to turn your relationship around for the better. Because during a fire, during the most trying times, "you never leave your partner behind".

Now I'm not against divorce. Sometimes you just can't fix something no matter how hard you try. Especially if only one person is committed to trying to fix something. I myself, have contemplated divorce. Things were touch and go there for a while but my husband has been trying to change, to be a better man. That and my faith in God is what has held my marriage together.

Beyond the deep Christian, God devotion aspect to the story, there is something that I think no matter if you are Christian or not is something that before we call it quits we should all take a look at. And that is "The Love Dare". The Love Dare is something that I think should be handed out to every married soldier who redeploys to the states (and their spouses). It's a 40 day challenge. A challenge that will change the way you treat your spouse. A challenge that if done with a committed heart, will change your relationship for the better.

There was one thing in The Love Dare that really spoke to me. I can't remember what day it was, 21 or something like that. But it talked about how when a man is trying to woo his wife, will study her and learn everything about her. But after they marry, and he has won his wife, he stops studying her. He stops learning about her but 7 years from the day that he marries her, she will most likely be a completely different person from the day they were married. But he has stopped studying her and because shes different and hes different, they grow apart. That concept just spoke to me. Jeff and I had that same conversation a couple months ago. He felt like he didn't know me anymore. He didn't know what I was interested in. He had no clue what to buy me for Christmas because he didn't know what I liked, what size I was, etc etc. He stopped studying me, where as I never stopped studying him.

Pardon my long-windedness but this movie just spoke to my heart. The marriage that they depicted was just so close to my own that it was scary. Jeff was a soldier and not a firefighter but pretty much the same concept. He wouldn't leave a fellow soldier behind, but when things were at their worst, he was willing to leave me behind. Thank God that is changing now. We didn't do The Love Dare but it is something I would love to challenge myself to do. If I get a hold of the book and start The Love Dare, I will update you on my progress.