I Like My Hole

I have built a hole for myself. Sitting in my bedroom surrounded by clutter and copious amounts of yarn, I have made my nest. Sitting in front of the computer pounding keys or sitting on the bed zoning out to my latest DVR recording while crocheting hats, I seclude myself. I like it, on the other hand I don't. I know that I am hiding. Hiding from my family, hiding from financial issues, hiding from health issues that I need to ignore until we get insurance again.

I boldly stated that 2009 was going to be my year. Well it doesn't feel like it yet. Sometimes I feel like we are never going to get out of this hole. Sometimes I feel like I just want to run away and not come back...ever. There are days I regret moving to Colorado and having a family. And everyday I'm just plain old tired.

Jeff doesn't understand and he really doesn't help my situation right now. He yelled at me yesterday about "messing up the kitchen again". I'm so sorry that if you want to eat, I need to use some dishes. He says that every time he cleans it, I mess it up in 15 minutes. Well every time I clean his pee bottles out of the living room, he manages to put some right back.

I am trying. I am really trying to be better. I just can't be better right now. Not by myself. It's hard to recognize that you need help but being stifled by not being able to get help.

Right now, I feel that life would be easier if Jeff just got back into the military. It would be a steady job. A steady paycheck. Free Health care. Access to on post services. The Army truly is a world in itself. Its funny. I always thought that the Army was a sad way of life, that they didn't pay our guys enough. I never appreciated it until we got out. I still don't think they pay the soldiers enough for what they do, but a soldiers paycheck is better than most paychecks you will find in the civilian sector. We struggled while we were in the military, but not as much as we have struggled since he got out. It was a bad time for him to get out of the military. The economy was in the toilet, jobs were few and far between. It was just hard and still is for many people. There was a company here in the springs that laid off over 150 workers right before Christmas.

I think if you can stomach the deployments, the military is the right choice for you. Preferably the Airforce. They don't deploy as often or for as long as the Army and Marines do. I hate deployments, I hate what it does to my family but, would it be better to deploy and know that you have a steady job in such an uncertain economical climate or better to be home with your family and struggle? I don't know. I can't answer that. Right now I'm thinking the former is better but tomorrow I may think the latter is better.

Deployments do change a family in so many ways. People are different after a whole year. People grow and change and its jarring to come back and have things different. Its easier if you are there for the process of growing versus to come back and see the result of it. Soldiers definitely come back different. War changes people in different ways but the things you see and experience, change you forever no matter what some people like to think.

Being an Army family or post Army family in this country today is hard. Its hard to deal with everything that happens during deployments and after. But with this economic climate and the limited jobs out there, is it better just to tough it out until the economy swings back into the black...whenever that may be? For now, I'm going to say yes. Financially things were better when Jeff was still in the military. We struggled but we didn't struggle as much. We were finally comfortable between my job and his and now its hard to make ends meet some weeks.

Lots of verbal diarrhea, I apologize. Its been a rough couple of days and I think its more cathartic for me just to get this all out into the open where I can write and reflect on it than sit and stew. Probably better for my blood pressure.

Do I feel better? No not really. But at least I got it out of my system.