What is Happiness?

Okay so I have been in a funk for a while. Well...a long time. Yesterday because I didn't go to church (stupid slushy, sticky, snowy roads and stupid stupid drivers that want to give me a heart attack), I spent the whole day holed up in my room watching TV and crocheting. I didn't want to deal with anyone or anything. That's just not normal.

Jeff knows that I am in a funk and comes into the room. Gives me a hug and asks me whats wrong. Part of what was wrong is that I am so discouraged with the house. I clean and he messes it up (there are bottles of you know what under the coffee table...again!!!). I fold and put away the girls clothes and they take it ALL out of the closet and throw it on the floor. I clean the playroom and they trash it. Its a never ending cycle. Both girls spend a lot of time in time out for telling us "NO" when they are asked to clean up. Later, Jeff got testy with me. He asked me if I was actually going to cook that night because he had washed some dishes. Lets get something straight, if you tell me that your job is going to be doing the dishes and I go into the kitchen to make dinner and dishes are piled in the sink all the way up to the faucet, you're getting microwaved chicken nuggets buddy. So yes, part of the reason I am in such a funk is the house. Part of it is because no matter how much work I put into it, its never enough. Part of it is also because I feel ignored...by everyone in this house.

I ask Kylie to stop doing something and she looks at me, right after I'm done telling her and she does it anyways. I try to talk to Jeff and it takes 3 or 4 tries of saying the same things before he hears me. I tell Kaitlynn to come over here so I can change her butt and she yells "NO" and runs the opposite way.

So I'm in a funk and I like to sit in my room all day by myself.

But its more than a funk and I know that. I know that this is not just something that is caused by my family and my circumstances. This is bigger than that. This is something that needs medication. I am grouchy and irritable. I want to sleep all the time. I wake up even more tired than when I went to sleep. I am easily angered. I just want to shut the world out and run away. This is not normal. Maybe normal for someone that experiences this on an occasional basis, but this is my everyday.

Unfortunately, we have no medical coverage right now and Jeff makes $5.00 more per week than poverty level status so we do not qualify for assistance. Its sad but its something that I am just going to have to live with until he finds a permanent job. Hes up for a permanent position with Colorado Springs Utilities. The interview process starts in about 10 days. Last we heard, he was the only applicant for the job and he works with the guys who are in charge of hiring for CSU, so I am praying and we are crossing our fingers right now.