Marriage on my Mind...

So I'm sure you've noticed that I've had my marriage on my mind a lot lately. I guess it's mostly because we are getting back into the military. We just started doing well again. We just started learning how to live with each other again and now that dynamic may change and it terrifies me.

When you are in the service, any service, you have to be ready to move when the time comes but we have roots here in Colorado. We have a house, I have good friends, Kylie is in school. So Jeff and I have been talking about the prospect of him becoming a Geo-Bachelor. In the military that is when a married soldier moves to a new area without his family. I know people who have done that. It's hard. Not as hard as a deployment because they aren't in a combat situation but it's still hard. The kids still have to go without their father, and when he does come back, we'll have to start the process of learning to live with each other all over again.

It took over a year for us to finally readjust to each other. Yes, I know we are committed to making it work but if our marriage goes down the path it did last summer, I don't think I have the strength in me to "fight the good fight".

I know that this is a situation that I need to trust God with. I do trust Him, but my flesh is still afraid of the unknown. My flesh wants to resist the change and the possibility that we'll have to live without him again. My flesh doesn't believe that it has the strength to keep going when it comes to another long distance marriage. My flesh knows it's hard and doesn't want to put up with the struggle. But I remind myself of what an awesome God I serve. I remind myself that God will keep me strong and pull me through the hard times. I remind myself that with God, nothing is impossible. I remind myself that God has a true and perfect will for my life and that I need to submit to Him and not to my flesh.

It's easy to think all those things, but to really believe them in your mind and heart are something totally different. I encourage myself everyday. I try to surround myself with Godly people. That's why I like to go to prayer group on Wednesday nights. To be around others that are joyful in the Lord is a great encouragement to me. That is why I love Circle Drive Baptist and that's why I have a drive and desire to participate and volunteer there. Circle Drive Baptist helps to keep me God-centered. Most days for me are good days and when the bad days come, I try to remember the God that I serve.

I guess, I'm saying that I'm going to trust God when it comes to my marriage. I am so tired some days of putting on the brave face. But it's hard for me to sleep at night. I have such weird dreams that even in my waking hours I would say that it doesn't bother me and I trust in God, my insecurities manifest in my dreams. So I'm trying to resist my fleshly urges and remind myself that God is in control.

Now being a control freak, that's a hard concept for me. But there is something freeing about putting my situation in the hands of my almighty God.

Jeff and I had some really hard times, and I don't think that God would have repaired my marriage just to see it fail somewhere down the road. There are times when God tries to separate you from things that aren't good for you. And there are times when God tries to push you toward something that He knows is the best for you, but your flesh is resisting.

I will continue to trust God with my marriage. If Jeff has to become a Geo-Bachelor because he needs to PCS and we can't sell the house, I'll leave my marriage and all the complications of single parenthood to Him.

I guess after struggling with our relationship for so long, I just don't want to let Jeff go off somewhere without me. I don't want what we have found to die. But that's my fleshly worries again...

I'm rambling. Have you noticed that in a lot of my posts lately? I guess I just have a lot on my mind.