It's Just Crap-Tastic

So, it's 723am and I have already had a crappy morning. No not because of my children...

This morning I set my alarm to 530am. Not because I needed to wake up that early but because I wanted to make sure that Jeff got to work on time today. The last 2 weeks I have found that if I don't set my alarm to get up early, Jeff will not get up. Lately, it has been my responsibility (it feels like) to make sure that he gets up for work. Why? He's 29 years old, he should be able to get himself up for work right? Nope. Even while he was in the military I would still have to get up early to make sure that he would get up for work.

He's supposed to be at work by 7am. So he needs to leave the house by 630am to make it to work on time. Preferably he should leave at 615am because of morning traffic but that rarely happens. So, I get up not at 530am but at 5am because he set his alarm to go off at 5am. And every time the alarm goes off, I shake him. He grunts, hits snooze and goes back to sleep. The alarm goes off every 15 minutes. Finally after an hour and a half of the stupid alarm going off (I'm not kidding, I rolled out of bed at 630am), I get up. Everytime I shake him to wake him up he tells me, "Don't worry about it." or "It's not a big deal". So, trying to calm myself down I walk out to the living room to check my email, which of course would not load this morning. At 645am I walk back into the bedroom (he's supposed to be at work in 15 minutes) and I ask him, "So what time do you want to get up so I can make sure that I wake you up". At this point he starts to go off about how he doesn't want to get up because I'm going to be in a "grouchy ass" mood. I didn't even ask him the question in a snide way. I just point blank asked him what time he wanted to get up and that started us off on an agrument this morning. He went off on a tirade about how I'm a "bitch" and I'm always "tired". I told him that I didn't have to get up at 530am I just set my alarm to make sure that I could get him up. And it went on and on. Until I threw a loaf of bread at him and he slammed the door this morning before he left for work, finally, at 720am.

But this is the way things have been between us lately. When things are good they are just all right. When things are bad they are REALLY bad. I try to avoid arguments by just sitting in my bedroom when we are home together. I try not to talk to him about what is bothering me because he always turns it around on me and makes me feel ridiculous and stupid for feeling neglected, offended, hurt or upset. I try just to leave him alone. If I leave him alone, we don't fight and things stay relatively peaceful...sometimes. He will still get on me about not spending time with the kids. I ALWAYS spend time with the kids. I take Kaitlynn to work with me for crying out loud. Everywhere I go tote one or both of the kids with me. Just cause I don't want them up my rear when I'm at home and trying to get stuff done doesn't mean that I am not spending time with them. Or, he will get on me about not cleaning the house. Granted, I have absolutely no motivation to clean. But no one in this house seems to either. The minute I clean the wrecking crew follows behind me to destroy it. Who is that guy in greek mythology that rolls the boulder up the hill everyday just to do it again the next day. Thats the way I feel about cleaning. I accomplish it, but nothing really gets done.

I need a vacation. I need to get away and decompress for a while, by myself. I can't remember the last time I was truly able to get away to relax. I think the last time I got away for myself and just myself to pamper me was spa night last November. And even then I wasn't really able to relax because Jeff had just gotten home from Iraq and was calling me every 15 minutes asking me when I was coming home. Not because he missed me but because Kaitlynn and Kylie were driving him nuts. But I also don't want to get away because with the state that things have been in lately, I may never come back.

I get so tired of my life sometimes. I am not happy. I have not been happy for a long time and I don't know how to change it. My marriage is miserable and I take it out on the kids by ignoring them or yelling at them when they do the slightest thing wrong. I really want my marriage to work. I want to be able to fix it. We have two children and have been together for 8 years. I want it to work but sometimes we try to hold on to something that God is trying to seperate us from. (One of my favorite lines from "Diary of a Mad Black Woman"). But I pray and I don't know what Gods will is for me and this situation. Maybe I am so focused on what is going on around me that I can't hear what God is trying to tell me.

So why am I blogging about this? Well because other than God, I have no one to talk to and blogging can be very cathardic. I feel lost right now and very much alone. I know that God is always here, listening. But sometimes you just want someone else with you. A good friend that you can trust. Someone physical that you know will make you laugh or give you good advice when times are tough. I'm sorry to say that I don't really have that right now. I haven't had that for a while now, not since one of my friends moved to the DC area.

I just want to effect a positive change in my life but right now I just don't know how to do that. I am tired of feeling alone and lost. I am sick of not feeling loved. I am just tired and I want to go back to bed but, I have to make breakfast for my kids.