Vent...

I usually love Mondays. Its the one day a week that I don't have to get up early. It's the one day a week where I am not plagued with the thought of Jeff sitting out in the living room like a lump, playing his game. Its the one day a week where I don't have to drive back and forth all over town.

I love Mondays...usually.

Today was different. It started off with Jeff not getting up for his alarm. He was an hour late for work and just announced that he was not going to work today. Not going to work? But today is Monday, its my day! Then I stepped back and thought about why I was so upset. Most women, would love for their husbands to take a day off of work. But most women are not me. I just sat in bed and thought about my plans for the day. I was going to clean. I know, so exciting right? Well the reason I don't like to clean is that I HATE, to clean around Jeff. That's right, around him. He will sit there on his laptop and pay absolutely no attention to me or offer help, or help when I ask him to because hes playing his game. That's so much more important to him. He says that he could care less about his game or the people he chats with everyday online, but to me, his actions reflect differently. When he's on his laptop, he ignores his children and he ignores me. He pays no attention to them or anything around him.

Dads are supposed to play with their kids, want to be involved, take them places, spend time with them. Jeff has only taken both of his girls somewhere ONCE. That was my birthday, June 8th. He took them to the store to buy cake mix to make me a birthday cake (while I took a nap). That's it. It was not a fun outing. It was an errand. When I plan fun family outings, he complains the whole time. He gives me a hard time about it and then ruins it for everyone with his sullen attitude. Except on Halloween, but that's because he was hoping to get some personal favors from me when we got home, and because I was exhausted by the time I got home and didn't perform, he didn't speak to me for 3 days.

He says that we have no money to do anything fun with the girls. But all of the outings I plan are free. He could always take them to the park, so I can get some kid free time (I'm with one or both of them EVERYDAY ALL THE TIME, heck, Kaitlynn comes to work with me so that isn't even kid free). We have a brand new park walking distance from our house. But he doesn't like to be around people, so going anywhere is out of the question.

He even got pissed off when he took Kylie to the store to shop for my Christmas present. All because he didn't know what I liked or what I was into (he even said this about Kylie). To me that statement says that he just flat out doesn't pay attention and doesn't care.

I get a movie for us to watch together and he watches it without me.

And the worst part is that I let all of this ruin my day. Its hard when hes yelling at me this morning, because he can't find the car keys (when they were hanging up on the rack). Or telling me that I'm harassing him because he didn't want to go to work. I didn't say anything to him. He told me to go back to sleep this morning but when the girls are both awake and I've been listening to his alarm since 5am, its kinda hard to go back to sleep. By me getting up this morning after I was "told" to go back to sleep, was like a slap in the face for him I guess. He "tells" me something and I'm supposed to jump. I ask him something and it takes hours to days to months to get a response from him.

He constantly breaks promises. He told me that I could sleep in on Saturday. I NEVER get to sleep in (I get the occasional 1 hour nap here or there but never sleep in, not even on my birthday). I let him sleep in because I'm being considerate. He has a hard time falling asleep (he has insomnia) so when he finally does go to sleep, I try to let him do just that. But I didn't get to sleep in on Saturday. Had I tried to wake him up, he would have been upset so I just got up, made everyone breakfast like I normally do and just let him sleep. He said he would clean the kitchen for me this weekend, that didn't happen. He didn't even clean his pee bottles out of the living room. Yes, pee bottles. My husband is a 5 year old and is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom and will pee in empty bottles and shove them under the couch (another reason why I don't like to clean). I asked him about it last night. I told him that he was the "King of Broken Promises". Which he really is. I mean for Mother's Day, I got 2 kid free days (not hours days) to be redeemed whenever I wanted...see my vent above. It still hasn't happened. He said that he didn't do what he said (clean the kitchen) because he got no help. NO HELP?!?! No where in "Honey, I'm going to clean the kitchen this weekend." was "only if you help me".

I am so tired emotionally and physically. I feel unappreciated, unloved, disappointed, exhausted, overwhelmed and the list could go on and on. I want to get the house cleaned and I mean deep cleaned for Christmas. But that's only going to happen if I do it.

Jeff will get on me about being so tired all the time. He says most days there is no excuse for being so tired because I "didn't do anything." Nope, I don't do anything...I do EVERYTHING. I work, do dishes, wipe hineys, do laundry, chauffeur, make meals, bathe children, grocery shop, plan activities, make his lunch, etc, etc, etc. But I have no excuse to be so tired because I don't do anything.

I just don't know what more I can do or how much longer I can last like this. He says he wants to change and I may see it a little here and there but the big picture never changes. Hes still emotionally unavailable to everyone in this house. He contradicts me at every turn (no wonder my kids don't listen to me). And I'm just really tired of it. To me it doesn't feel like Christmas around here. To me Christmas is love and family and activities. I don't feel like that's going on around here. My home doesn't feel very warm, right now it feels very very cold.